Jennifer's Cancer Journey

 I had to go back and skim my last post to remember what it was about. And well...a whole lot of life has happened since June7...almost 2 whole weeks.  I work really hard to not look how I feel. Sunday, June 8, I think I failed. I parked off site and almost couldn't walk up the steps to get on the shuttle bus. I almost texted to see if it was ok for me to park on site, but I refuse to let cancer and treatment win. Some think it is pride, I think it is determination. I was having so many problems walking and I had ZERO energy.  I was able to turn it up some before I had to greet children. In my head...after other wonderful caring leaders passed me, I was smiling and somewhat energetic. I do not know the reality of what I looked like. Wait! Maybe I do! My boss saw my daughter standing near me and thought our colors complemented each other, so he took a picture. Let me go find it... I guess if you don't know me, then you might not be able to see how I feel. What I see if a p...

 Just when I think I have it all figured out, I realize that I don't!  I titled this post, "I've got nothing." If you have been around me, then you know that I will say those words a bit. Sometimes, it is because I have a lot to say, but am choosing not to. Other times it is because I really have no clue and I am stumped. It is usually the former... I have realized that I am getting more anxious as the time has passed. In the beginning we had a plan. I knew the plan and I was ready to take it on. Now, as I am nearing the end of treatment, my thoughts have tended to be drawn to the what's next and what if's of it all. It seems like I have sort of been on autopilot...at least as autopilot as this journey goes, for the last few months. I am a planner. Planning makes me feel as if I have some kind of control over this crazy thing called life. However, planning things is kind of a joke right now. I really just have to take each day as it comes...sometimes each hour...

 This extra week off of chemo is always a relief, but there were plenty of issues that popped up. There were days that the feeling in my feet made it hard to walk. I had to concentrate on picking my feet up so I wouldn't trip. There were days when I was crazy tired and days were I had energy. I almost said I was full of energy, but it should read something like, full of energy for my current circumstance.  All week, I have had a sense of dread. It is like I knew what was coming. I am just really tired of doctors, hospitals, blood draws...all those things. Tuesday morning, I went to the lab for a blood draw. Friday, I was at the infusion center for another blood draw. This one was my pre-chemo bloodwork. I can't say that I am surprised, but my counts were way off again. I ended up getting a shot to boost production. It worked last time, so hopefully, it works again. I really don't want anymore delays. I am ready to be done with all of this. The shot has caused a little bit o...

 My last update was a little bit of a downer. Fear not, I have not stayed in that mindset...for the most part. This last round of chemo was odd. I really didn't have much cold sensitivity. It was there, but manageable. I could actually wash my hands without pain. One effect that has been bothersome has been the neuropathy in my feet. My right leg feels kind of like dead weight from the knee down and the last two days, my left foot has felt the same. I woke up Friday with that feeling in both of my arms too. Thankfully, that didn't last too long. I plan to bring this up at my appointment on Friday.  One of my frustrations through this whole ordeal has been my inability to work out the way I would like. However, I pulled out my handy phone and looked at my actual activity.  So, what you see here is my logged "workouts." That top line looks a little blah, unless you know the context. April 27 was an all day work day at the end of a chemo week. I didn't get a break to...

The highs and lows of this journey are real. There is nausea, fatigue, sadness, and sometimes a little bit of hope. I feel like the days after disconnect when I feel the worst physically are the hardest emotionally.  Currently, I am sprawled out in my bed...not even upright, because that is hard. Friday is the day I change my sheets, but it is also time to wash the comforter. Well, the comforter is in the wash, but that is all. I have already grocery shopped and really have nothing left in the tank to put the new sheets on...at least for now. The energy may appear later.  The nausea is just annoying. It is like my body wants to get it out, but it won't. So, I just left with this yucky feeling that doesn't really let up with meds...at least for a few days. At the same time, my GI insides aren't really sure what they are supposed to be doing. My body gets pumped full of so many meds over the course of a few days, that it is confused. I know I have mentioned it before, but her...

 Round 7 was a go! I am glad, because I am ready to get all of this over with. I do like the 3 week time table so much better than the every 2 weeks. Guess that is good, because my next treatment is on a 3 weeks time table due to Memorial Day and the infusion center being closed. It is really nice to get a full week of feeling alive again!  Well, I wanted to keep that alive feeling going! I got home from the infusion early afternoon. I think I ate lunch/dinner or a snack. I really don't remember...chemo brain is a real thing and so much worse than pregnant brain! Anyway, after my snack or dinner, I put on shorts. I was still wearing my long compression socks and set of for a walk...pump and all.  So, what is in the box...black bag that I wear around for 3 days? This is the pump. I wear the bag backwards so you can't see all of the buttons. The 5FU is in the container at the bottom. It gets infused at a slow rate over 46 hours. It starts to beep when it gets low. The beeps...