Be real

The highs and lows of this journey are real. There is nausea, fatigue, sadness, and sometimes a little bit of hope. I feel like the days after disconnect when I feel the worst physically are the hardest emotionally. 

Currently, I am sprawled out in my bed...not even upright, because that is hard. Friday is the day I change my sheets, but it is also time to wash the comforter. Well, the comforter is in the wash, but that is all. I have already grocery shopped and really have nothing left in the tank to put the new sheets on...at least for now. The energy may appear later. 

The nausea is just annoying. It is like my body wants to get it out, but it won't. So, I just left with this yucky feeling that doesn't really let up with meds...at least for a few days. At the same time, my GI insides aren't really sure what they are supposed to be doing. My body gets pumped full of so many meds over the course of a few days, that it is confused. I know I have mentioned it before, but here goes... I get premeds which are steroids and zofran. Steroids do their thing. Zofran is for nausea, but causes constipation. To try and stop that, I take Senna and Colace leading up to chemo and each day. Still waiting for them to work...sorry, TMI.  It is like the nausea meds and the softening meds counter act each other. Well...it's just fun! 

The sadness hits when I am tired and nauseous or have the realization that there are things that I just can't do! I want to enjoy this heat, but my body won't tolerate it. The heat is my favorite though. I am sad for all of the things that I have lost this year or will be missing out on--wedding planning and senior year. I am sad, because sometimes it is just hard to be happy. I am grieving things that I haven't been able to do, or can't do, or possibly won't get to do. The realization that some plans that I made need to have a way to happen without me around. For example...Hannah's college. She was homeschooled, if I am not around, then she won't be able to get her transcripts and course descriptions sent properly and with my signature. That is just one of the things, but it is my reality right now. I have to plan for things like that, but I just don't have the energy. 

I am sad about my body. I know the chemo and all of the other meds are taking their toll, but the constant weight gain is really starting to bug me. It is like I can't even get the only side effect of cancer and chemo that I could live with. 

Then there are times that my sadness turns into anger. Anger about missed opportunities. Anger about finally getting things in my life lined up, only for it to seemingly all be ripped away. Anger about the fairness of it all...I know life it not fair. My treatments and potential for more after the fact seem to have dictated the way things will be going for a while. 

I know that over the next few days to a week, these feelings will fade some as I start to feel better, but I also feel like I would be doing a disservice to those following along if you only see my sheer determination. Sure, I have that a few days out of every 2 weeks, but I also have these other struggles. I have a long to do list, that I can't seem to focus on. I have a goal to get a portion of my body back before the wedding, despite all of the things working against me. I have a lot of goals, but they all seem to be in a state of hold. 

So, this is my be real post of this cycle. I am happy. I am sad. I am joyful. I am grieving. I am angry. I am hopeful. I am realistic. I trying to live in the moment with a hope for the future. I am tired. I am feeling almost all of the emotions on the feeling wheel. While I don't like it, it is just where I am right now...today.