I've Got Nothing!

 Just when I think I have it all figured out, I realize that I don't! 

I titled this post, "I've got nothing." If you have been around me, then you know that I will say those words a bit. Sometimes, it is because I have a lot to say, but am choosing not to. Other times it is because I really have no clue and I am stumped. It is usually the former...

I have realized that I am getting more anxious as the time has passed. In the beginning we had a plan. I knew the plan and I was ready to take it on. Now, as I am nearing the end of treatment, my thoughts have tended to be drawn to the what's next and what if's of it all. It seems like I have sort of been on autopilot...at least as autopilot as this journey goes, for the last few months. I am a planner. Planning makes me feel as if I have some kind of control over this crazy thing called life. However, planning things is kind of a joke right now. I really just have to take each day as it comes...sometimes each hour as it comes. I have been able to do that for the most part, but with 4 treatments left, I want to be able to plan. 

If you have followed along, then you know this whole ordeal/journey has been a rollercoaster ride. I am not a fan! It seems as if when I am prepared for the symptoms and side effects of the chemo, my body just laughs! Joke's on me! Let's throw in some different things this time. There of course were all of the normal things; fatigue, nausea, etc. I have had problems with my feet and legs feeling kind of like dead weight. Well...yesterday I woke up to weird feelings in my ankles and the top of my feet. It was as if they were weak, but also numb feeling and tingling (but different than the past feelings). This is another one of those things where I don't really have words to describe how it feels. I was moving very slowly all day, because I was not sure my feet were going to work and hold me up. Add that to the "I feel bad, but can't label it" feeling that came over me at the grocery store, which prompted me to go get the scooter thing, while Hannah got a vaccine needed for college. I just felt so horrible! Back to my feet...You can see from the photo, my feet look normal...normal for me, I know I have ugly wide feet. <Side note: I really miss ice cream!> Yesterday, I seriously thought I was going to fall while walking. Needless to say, I did nothing the rest of the day. I just felt horrible on top of the whole new tingly feeling. 

Overnight, these feelings got even stranger. It affected the space between my toes. Again, I don't really know how to describe it. I guess it was like cotton mouth, but for my toes? There was just this strange feeling, yet it was numbish at the same time. I couldn't really feel the area between my toes. Thankfully, that oddness has subsided some. I am now back to the top of my feet and ankles feeling off. I know it is neuropathy, but I kind of liked the dead weight feeling a little better. 

Of course, all of this feeling bad has thrown off all of my "plans" for the last few days. I will not tell you my plans because you will just laugh and tell me to rest my body! I will say that I really do need to walk my poor dog. My buddy has put on 15 pounds and needs to lose weight. I also need to buy him a new harness, because his doesn't fit anymore. It will be hard to get him all of these walks when his harness is too tight to move and breathe. 

I also need my feet to feel somewhat normal by tomorrow! I spend a lot of time on my feet on Sunday's.