Jennifer's Cancer Journey

 I showed up at the infusion center bright and early. I have a feeling I no longer look bright and cheery when I go in. I would like to think I am not quite in the black and white zone yet though. This was a reference from my post about my first round of chemo.  Honestly, I am still so physically exhausted from last week. I am used to the go-go-go, but my body is saying no-no-no. It's alright though, at some point I will get back to the go-go-go version of myself...I hope.  My nurse today is the least favorite of mine. I won't go into the reasons why, it is what it is. She got my port accessed and my blood drawn. Thankfully, the shot of Zarxio that I received Friday worked. I go the go ahead to proceed with chemo. As it turns out, the oncologist completely dropped the Oxaliplatin. I am thankful for this! My neuropathy has progressed instead of getting better since my last round, which included an extra week. I was warned that I could have what they call "coasting." T...

 I had to go back and skim my last post to remember what it was about. And well...a whole lot of life has happened since June7...almost 2 whole weeks.  I work really hard to not look how I feel. Sunday, June 8, I think I failed. I parked off site and almost couldn't walk up the steps to get on the shuttle bus. I almost texted to see if it was ok for me to park on site, but I refuse to let cancer and treatment win. Some think it is pride, I think it is determination. I was having so many problems walking and I had ZERO energy.  I was able to turn it up some before I had to greet children. In my head...after other wonderful caring leaders passed me, I was smiling and somewhat energetic. I do not know the reality of what I looked like. Wait! Maybe I do! My boss saw my daughter standing near me and thought our colors complemented each other, so he took a picture. Let me go find it... I guess if you don't know me, then you might not be able to see how I feel. What I see if a p...

 Just when I think I have it all figured out, I realize that I don't!  I titled this post, "I've got nothing." If you have been around me, then you know that I will say those words a bit. Sometimes, it is because I have a lot to say, but am choosing not to. Other times it is because I really have no clue and I am stumped. It is usually the former... I have realized that I am getting more anxious as the time has passed. In the beginning we had a plan. I knew the plan and I was ready to take it on. Now, as I am nearing the end of treatment, my thoughts have tended to be drawn to the what's next and what if's of it all. It seems like I have sort of been on autopilot...at least as autopilot as this journey goes, for the last few months. I am a planner. Planning makes me feel as if I have some kind of control over this crazy thing called life. However, planning things is kind of a joke right now. I really just have to take each day as it comes...sometimes each hour...