Fear...is a Liar

 See what I did there? Fear is a Liar is a song for those that don't know. Sometimes when the fear seems to overwhelm me, I will sing this song in my head. 

What are my fears?

Jokingly, I can say it is an ab workout. I actually admitted that out loud today, but it is true. Ab workouts hurt. It is not the normal workout muscle soreness hurt. It is the my muscles have been cut through hurt. It is a deep burn that feels almost unbearable. I get it sometimes when I try for the longer runs too. Not all ab workouts hurt, but the ones that are effective do.

Testing season is coming up. Just the word TEST can evoke fear right now. It is hard to not think about where I was at this time last year. Many days I felt like I was barely hanging on, but I didn't know why. I thought...or hoped that a bleeding ulcer was causing my severe anemia. Of course, now I know that was not the issue. 

Fear...when I get tired, I am afraid I am anemic. When I have pains, I am afraid cancer has spread somewhere. When I struggle to breathe, I am afraid the (hopefully) inflammatory or post infection nodules in my lungs are cancer spread. When I feel chest type pain, I am afraid chemo has caused heart failure. I try not to live in those moments, but sometimes it is hard. I am coming up on a year since learning I had stage 3 colon cancer. That is a tough thing to wake up to.

Testing season is here. Next Friday I have a lot of bloodwork to do. Am I anemic? I will find out. Are my liver numbers ok? I will find out. Is my CEA (tumor marker) elevated? I will find out. What about my ctDNA? Yep, I will find out. I should not be afraid, but how can I not be. 

The following Friday I have my what will be yearly colonoscopy. While I am not worried about a major T4 tumor (that was my tumor grade which made me automatically stage 3) growing in a year, I am worried about the little things that may have popped up. I really don't want to lose anymore of my colon. I think I may have a little PTSD about my last one too. I mean, I woke up to my doctor telling me I had cancer and would need to have surgery! 

THEN a month later is my CT scan rescan to check my lungs. My abdomen was clear, but my darn lungs. This one really worries me the most. 

Less than a week later, I will have my annual skin cancer check. There are a few areas of concern, plus the precancer spots that I didn't treat last year because I had to have surgery and chemo. 

The next 6-8 weeks are going to be stressful, but if you know me, you know I will do my best to hide it well. 

Fear is a liar...

Fear is not from God. 

Everyday, I pray for healing on this side of heaven. Everyday, I pray to feel God's presence in this. Everyday, I pray that my story will become my ministry. I also pray that I will be the one to use it because I am alive to share. 

So, that is where I am at right now. I will try not to live there, but if you think of me between now and the end of the year, please pray for me to not be fearful. Also, for all of my testing to come out ok. 

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