The time in between...

 So now what? I was told I have colon cancer. I had a CT scan done and got those results. The GI doctor called me with the pathology results. No surprise, the mass was cancerous. I will leave out the specifics of the pathology report, but will say that it did not show signs of being a genetic thing called Lynch Syndrome. 

So, I wait... Those that know me well, know that I don't wait well. My mom said that I was born early and hit the ground running and haven't stopped since. Well, I am now on a forced stop. See there is this holiday called Thanksgiving. As you can see from my dates on the 1st post, it is near Thanksgiving. Nothing happens on that week, which is why all of my next appointments don't happen until December. I was left with my own thoughts, worries, and fears (yes, I will admit that I have those) for about 10 days. Actually, more than that, but at this point I was just moving to the next appointment. 

It was during this time that I started wondering...what did I do? Is this my fault? Is God punishing me? How could I have prevented this? I am active. I eat healthy, I don't smoke, I am not obese, I don't have a family history. Once again in my life, my body has failed me. This had to be my fault. I had a few years when I was younger that I lived pretty hard. That is why I got cancer. I ate horribly growing up. That is why I got cancer. I had an eating disorder when I was younger. That is why I got cancer. I am too hard on my body. That is why I got cancer. This is my punishment for every mistake I have ever made in my life. That is why I got cancer. Those are some the things that were going through my mind during that long Thanksgiving week. There was a war inside my body, not just the cancer my body was trying to fight, but the cancer of those thoughts that my mind and heart were trying to fight. 

What did I do? Nothing

Is this my fault? No, it is not.

Is God punishing me? I let out a sigh just now as I typed that question. This is the one that I am constantly at war with. NO, God is not punishing me. God loves me. God has forgiven all of my past sins. It is me who keeps bringing them up and feeling like I deserve to be punished. He has washed me clean. God is NOT punishing me. God will use this for His glory whatever the outcome. I know what I want the outcome to be, but my ways are not His. There will be something good to come from this, even if I never know the good. God is a loving merciful God and He loves me. I have to mediate on His words when I start trying to think it is my fault and this is His punishment. It is 100% not! 

How could I have prevented this? Well, if I knew that answer, I would be rich and there would be no such thing as cancer.

I am active. I eat healthy. I don't smoke... Those are all good things that will help me in this fight for my life. I am going to look at it as I set myself up for success, not failure. 

So, what else did I do with this week? Well, I felt horrible. If I had the symptoms I was having post 'clean out,' I would have known something was horribly wrong with my body. I let my body just rest. I was plagued with nausea and the inability to really eat. I watched too much Netflix with my 84 lb wanna be lap dog (he has been a little extra clingy). So much Netflix that I had to resort to cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies. I quit watching those after my parents died and people in my house made fun of me for wanting to watch stupid feel good movies. We had a family Thanksgiving, minus Josh and Morganne. Samantha put up the lights and the tree. We got all decorated for Christmas. She was bound and determined to make this the best Christmas ever, just in case it was my last. She is quite stubborn and set in her ways, especially about all of the Christmas traditions we created over the years. I don't know where she got it from, I am not stubborn at all. It totally skipped a generation...at least that is what I try to convince people, but they know better. We also went to the Ren Fest, just us girls (Samantha, Hannah, me, and Caleb's girlfriend), plus Anthony. Life stopped, but it didn't.