No yardwork or cat litter duty for me...

 I had my appointment today. It went well. For those who don't want to read all of my word vomit, I start chemo on Monday. 

For those that are ready for my novel, here ya' go! 

The nerves...I thought I had a really good handle on all of my past anxiety issues. This past week  has been rough. My anxiety has been next level. Yesterday I woke up at 4am and couldn't go back to sleep. Today it was 3am. That makes for a tired and cranky Jen. Add that to the extra fatigue-y feeling that I have had, which is probably my body working extra to fight against this stupid cancer, and I am wiped by the end of the day. Yet, I am so amped up that I can't sleep. It is a vicious cycle. Let me tell ya' though. I have felt the love and the prayers. Sunday morning, some one had stopped me before I even made it to my desk. He prayed right then and there. I had that happen several times before I had even been there an hour...hallway, stairway, bathroom... I even had someone pray and use anointing oil. It was all very surreal. I even had a family stop and pray for me on my way out at the end of the day. You can't imagine how being covered by so many prayers all day feels until you have been covered by those prayers all day. I was hurting and tired when I walked out, but really felt at ease.

This morning though...the anxiety was back and really amped up. Traffic was ick even though it was a holiday, due to a lost load of hay. Really...a lost load of hay! The freeway I needed was closed. I detoured through Downtown to get to the Med Center. I got parked and inside the hospital a little early. It gave me time to calm my nerves a little before going up to the clinic. Once I checked in though, it all started to hit me again. In the section of the waiting room where I sat, I was the youngest there. Actually, there was one lady who may have been younger. She was sitting in a wheelchair and discussing her future appointments and companions for those appointments quite loudly with her husband. It's hard in the moment not to look around the room and compare- I am better off than this person or I can't believe that this person has to be in a place like this. I think it is the brain's way of trying to rationalize being 49 with metastatic colon cancer, knowing that 20 years ago it was driven by age and lifestyle. Now, it is young, active, and healthy people that are getting diagnosed in advanced stages. What has changed? What could I have done differently? Why me? Why did it come back? There are no answers.

Anyway, I got called back. My blood pressure was high again, but not as bad as last week. However, the doctor was running late (I want to assume he was familiarizing himself with my history), but I got more and more freaked out as the clock ticked. I was relieved when he came in, but I am sure he could tell I was anxious. He did go over my history to make sure nothing was missed. He asked what Methodist wanted to do. He said there was no need for a biopsy given my rising numbers and signatera positive. It was obviously colon cancer. He did say it was possible that the mass on my left ovary (his words) could be a separate cancer, but that wouldn't change anything. He also said that he couldn't be sure the smaller mass is my abdomen was a cancerous mass. He said given the location, it could be a swollen lymph node. I think I am going to hold on to that! After looking at everything, he said surgery could get it all out (including liver). YES!!!! Those were the words that I wanted to hear. We have a goal. He mentioned the surgeons that would be involved in my appointment, but it would take a month to get it scheduled. From there, it would probably take another month to get the surgery planned and scheduled. So, our plan is to start chemo...MONDAY! The chemo will stop the current growth and potentially shrink what is there. It will also wipe out any microscopic cancer cells floating around looking for a place to grow. Chemo will also be necessary to prevent further spread while waiting on the surgery. He anticipates about 3 months of chemo and then surgery. I like this VERY much!

So...chemo... UGH! That is the part I do not like very much. Last time it was FOLFOX. We had to cut out the "OX" due to the neuropathy. This time it will be FOLFIRI + Avastin. The avastin will cut off blood supply to the tumors. It has some potentially serious, but not common side effects, plus the possibility of high blood pressure and blood clots.The IRI is irinotecan. It can be nasty. The biggest issue will likely be severe diarrhea that can start during the infusion and last for days. UGH. The other thing he said is that I would likely lose my hair on this one. It is possible that it won't happen, but not likely. 

 

That did give me a little pause. It's only hair. My hair does not define me. Not gonna lie...it will be mentally tough if I lose all my hair. Not only that, there are scars from various accidents on my head! I have never seen them, but there have been some stitches and staples in my head. I sure hope my head is round and not dented or lopsided! That would look really bad...or funny. Phew...it's only hair. Maybe I will not lose it all. Guess we will find out soon enough. No hair also announces to the world that I have cancer. Cue the looks. You know, the looks. There are those that look at you with pity. Those that look at you with curiosity. Those that just look at you different. It's ok. I will trade my hair for more living! I can do this! 

I can keep telling myself I can do this. I am dreading chemo, but ready for it at the same time. I can do this! 

 For real...the PTSD is real. Right now, MyChart gives me that feeling. The emails and text messages are getting overwhelming. It's not like I could forget I have cancer, but these messages come as an hourly (or more) reminder. I even got one about 10 minutes ago while typing this update. The phone calls too... 

So, the recap. I start chemo Monday. I have to wear the stupid pump again. Guess I need to restock my dry shampoo and body wipes. I will disconnect on Wednesday. I will get chemo every two weeks just like last time. The neuropathy won't progress on this protocol, but it causes more body fatigue, stomach upset, and hair loss. It's ok...I can do hard things...I just wasn't ready to do them again so soon. I do not have to limit any activities, but will be limited by the effects of chemo.

How can you pray?  I am still praying for complete healing. The other prayer needs are for less pain and for the side effects to not be so bad. There were many that I didn't get last time that are still a possibility. I wasn't affected by hand and foot syndrome or the mouth sores. Pray for the chemo to stop the growth and shrink the masses. Pray this paves the way for surgery.