The ON/OFF Switch

 The ON/OFF switch and how it applies to my treatment and mentality...

Before I get to that, let me give you a little bit of background. Most of you know by now that I have 4 kids...well, 4 adults. Their personalities are all very different. Josh has always been an independent person who is very creative, yet forgetful. Samantha is stubborn...very, very stubborn. She is determined and set in her ways. It will be nearly impossible to get her to change her mind once she decides on something. Hannah is Hannah. She is kid #4. She doesn't seem to have a care in the world and is very go with the flow. What motivates everyone else does not motivate her. She is her own person...one that I don't always understand. Then there is kid #3! Kid #3 is my answered prayer for patience. Caleb has always had a special place in my heart...he disagrees with me on this. His personality shone brightly in utero. He seemed to always be on a coffee high. He was constantly in motion. It seemed like he could just go and go. I have often said that he doesn't have an off switch. The only time he would nap as a child was if he was strapped into his car seat where he could not physically move. He would constantly push buttons (literally and figuratively) to see what would happen. He still does this! To say that it is frustrating would be an understatement. I have always said that he does not get it from me...I think that I say that about all of my kid's frustrating traits. Let's be real...I KNOW Josh gets his stubborn independence from me. I KNOW (yet will deny) that Samantha's stubbornness is 100% from me. Well...I may not have an off switch..or at least one that I want to turn off. 

Did I just compare myself to Caleb? Yes, I did...now pick your jaw up off the floor and hear me out. I want to DO things, but I don't want to just do them. I want to really do them! I guess I have always been like this, but right now at this time in my life/journey, it is becoming more apparent. I have always been a "Go hard or go home" person. I get annoyed with the lack of try hard in others sometimes, just ask my family. What I have noticed the last few weeks as I have tried to stay physically active when it is really hard is that I need to find and use the off switch sometimes. I want to go all out. I want to be the person that I used to be. I want to be so active all day that I just fall into bed at night. Yet, I can't. Going all out hurts. It's hard. It takes way too much time to recover. I am struggling with turning off that switch. I need guidance to slow me down when I start going too hard. Someone to tell me to back off just a little or slow me down. I know that I have said I started using the guided runs in the Nike app. Those have helped a little. The "coaching" in the background has taken my mind off speed, distance, and all of the things that I can get preoccupied about. Each run has a set goal and I have had to learn to listen to the app, since I won't listen to my body, and back off when needed or when I find myself going a little too hard. The hard part for me is to not tell myself that the run (or whatever workout I may have done) was too easy, so I need to get back out and do more. I feel like the last 8 months have been the laziest of my whole life. Mentally, that is hard! I love to run, I have a rowing machine, weights, and all kinds of other fitness equipment in my garage. Right now they are mostly collecting dust...and spider webs. I hate to walk into the garage and see all of the things that I struggle to use. Or I can use it near the end of the treatment cycle, but not again for 2 weeks. 

Over the years I have slowly learned to listen to my body, but at this time I really want more! Maybe it is because I am nearing the end of treatment that I am wanting more. I am wanting my body to cooperate with me...it is not! I want the physicality back so bad! I want to once again get enjoyment from putting in the hard work. I am afraid I may never get that again. I know I will run...even if it kills me. I will find ways to get workouts in, but it will be different. My biggest struggle right now...other than chemo lack of energy, fatigue, and nausea is the neuropathy. It seems to get worse each day. I am trying to not let it stop me, but it is a problem. I have to choose my shoes carefully and be mindful of my steps. I think I can eventually come to live with that as a normal part of life. Currently, I feel like my pinky toe on both feet feels dead. There are pins and needles and lots of tingling. My fingers are a bigger issue.They feel like they always have some sort of electric feeling on top of the numbness, pins, and needles feeling. Typing is hard. Anything that requires fine motor skills is hard. I dropped and cracked my phone. I have NEVER cracked a phone before. This if very frustrating to me. We lowered the dose of the drug that causes this on round 8 and cut it out at 9. Yet this feeling is intensifying. It is miserable. I am 6 weeks out from the last dose of oxaliplatin, so the feelings should start getting better, not keep getting worse. The intensity needs an off switch!

In other news...we are 22 days away from Samantha's wedding. I of course have not managed to get my body back. Sigh... I still have to figure out shoes for my Mother of the Bride dress. My perfect shoes just won't work given the feeling...or lack thereof in my feet. I feel like there is still so much to do and lots of little details. I am hoping the FINAL chemo treatment before the wedding does not knock me down too hard. It will be a busy few weeks. The control freak planner in me is trying not to stress too much. I have to remember that this is Samantha's wedding, not mine. She is the planner and has her own vision. I like things done ASAP whereas she is a last minute type of person...I KNOW she does not get that from me!!!! Even if the wedding planning did not go how I would have liked...thanks to cancer and treatment...it will all be ok...I hope! 

I have a week of no appointments! I plan to enjoy my time until next Friday. Currently, I only have 5 appointments scheduled in MyChart! I felt like I would never get to this point! Up next on Friday, pre-chemo blood work...please pray I won't need the shot and oncology appointment. I will not schedule any post chemo testing to take place until after the wedding. Let's pray that the end of treatment will go well and actually be the end!