Chemo is finished just in time for the wedding!

 I feel like so much has happened since my last update. I don't even remember my last update. I had to go back and look it up. It was August 1st. I feel like I have lived a year since then!

I had my last round of chemo. The sense of relief I had when that pump did its crazy "I'm empty" beep was real! Yet, at the same time, it was a little surreal. Since I was told that I had cancer back in November, there was always this plan. I knew what was coming next and in some small part what to expect. Now I am in just a little bit of limbo. I am relieved, yet scared at the same time. 

After the crazy beep, I headed to my follow up with my surgeon. It was my 6 month follow up from my 1 month follow up. All seemed to go well. I went in with my chemo pump on. He smile when I told him that this was it. Then the pump did another crazy beep thing...it was still empty. I guess it was my reminder...like I could forget! The doc asked what it meant. I told him it was empty and I needed to head over to the other building to get it disconnected. He smiled again, got up and shook my hand, and said congrats. Then he did all of the doctor things. He asked how things were "flowing"...or not. I really couldn't answer because...chemo. He understood. The exam went well and I go back in a year for the follow up. He reminded me to make my appointment for my what will be annual colonoscopy. I will get to it...I really promise this time! I will not delay it for 6 months because life if busy, crazy, hard, or full. 

When I was finished with my doctor, I headed over to the infusion center. I know, you are all dying to know if I rang the bell or not. I did not! There was actually little fanfare about the whole thing that day. I was not feeling well at all. I was nauseous and so very tired. I even had my favorite nurse. She commented on my lack of usual peppiness. I can't believe I just described myself as peppy. I kind of want to do a face palm on myself. I got disconnected and slowly shuffled myself out of the office. Why did I shuffle? Well, I know they stopped the Oxaliplatin to reduce the risk of permanent neuropathy. I think there was something in the remaining drugs that ramped things up. The day after disconnect all of the neuropathy feelings really ramped up again! It really sucks. At least I do know that it will lesson just a tad around Monday. I wish it was sooner, because my feet are so swollen and feel so bad. My fingers feel like they are raw and I am rubbing them in salt. While that is super annoying...it keeps me from mindlessly eating, the problems with my feet are really affecting me, especially now with the wedding coming up. Anyway, the next few days were bad. as usual. 

Friday (after disconnect) the girls and I hit the beach. It felt so good to be in one of my happy places. It was nice to have that day. I will say that the heat did bother me more than usual. The breeze from the waves usually keeps me cooled while everyone else is sweating. Not this time! I had to balance the sun, shade, hydrating, and cooling off in the warmish water. 

Saturday I had planned on going shopping for wedding shoes. I have the perfect shoes, but they are super high heels and I can't wear them right now. I will say that I did put them on today, just for grins, I could actually stand and walk a little, which is an improvement over the last time. I also LOVE how muscular they make my legs look. I also wanted to go measure the space that holds a fridge in the house Samantha and Anthony are going to rent. The house did not have one, so they were going to have to buy one. I really wanted to be able to get one for them as a wedding gift, since I haven't been able to contribute much with all of the wedding stuff. My feet had issues. so I nixed shoe shopping. Stuff came up and I didn't get to the house to measure. Instead, we had a girls day. We went to Samantha's apartment and hung out at the pool. Then we went to se Freakier Friday. I had been excited about the movie since I found out it was a thing! Side note--Samantha and I loved the movie, Hannah prefers horror or anime type stuff. She did not appreciate the people doing silly things to embarrass themselves. I am thinking of a certain scene in a record store with Chad Michael Murray, Lindsay Lohan, and Jamie Lee Curtis. CMM is his normal 40 year old self. The girls are the teens in the old people bodies. It was hilariously embarrassing. 

Sunday was normal. However, Monday was not. We, Samantha and me, had a Team First thing all day at church. THEN we stopped by her apartment to move "some" stuff to the rent house. Well, it ended up being ALL of the stuff and ALL of the stuff wasn't packed, because she didn't have boxes. Needless to say, it was a very strenuous 4 or so hours. We got everything loaded into a Uhaul, a friends truck, Samantha's car, and my car. All of the fragile and wedding things went in my car. We took it to the house and unloaded my car first so I could get measurements and go buy a fridge. It was after 9pm before I got home. Then everyone-Samantha, Anthony, Josh, Morganne, Matt, Caleb, Hannah, Marc, me, and I think someone else ended up at my house to play games. We played until 2am. That made my  5 something am alarm a little tough. 

Tuesday was a little hard due to lack of sleep. I am also transitioning into a new job...more on that in a few weeks, so I am trying to learn all of the things. I am pretty sure we played games again that night. 

Do over again on Wednesday, but add in a make up thing at Ulta and a planned mani/pedi for 5. Well, Ulta went long. We had the exact amount of time to get to the mani/pedi appointment, but we didn't have Hannah. We called her and told her to meet us. A few minutes later we realized that she didn't have her car. Oops. Samantha's car was there, but we had the keys. SOOOOO, detour! We called the spa and said we would be about 10 minutes late. I felt that was necessary because we were going to use their WHOLE staff. We booked it to get Hannah and only ended up being 2 minutes late. In case you didn't know, I am a total rule follower in everything except driving. I learned to drive inner city Houston on I-45 at the age of 12 in a stick shift... I am aggressive and don't appreciate "Sunday afternoon" drivers when I have places to be. 

Is today Thursday? I think so...I honestly don't know anymore. This week has been insane. Caleb decided he was going to move out this week too. He just assumed that everyone would jump in and help move his 800 lb mattress and the few things that he has. What he didn't count on is people feeling ill...likely due to lack of sleep. I think we are all running on about 3 hours per night since Sunday--Josh, Morganne, and Matt  less, since they drove straight from California after church Sunday. Well, this day turned out to be a marathon. Caleb wanted to get to moving by 9am. He was supposed to be at work, but took PTO. I am kind of glad, because his girl and I could not have done it. I showered and was ready to go by 8:30. Mattress got loaded into a truck, but not the correct way...yes, there is a right way. This made tying it down even more important. I had Marc bring home rope from work the night before. I was hoping he would tie it down before he left for work. It didn't happen. I had to figure it out. I decided it needed a little extra AND since we had to haul this 1 TON  mattress up the the 2nd floor, we needed the bag that we used to move Samantha's 300 lb  mattress on Monday. We stopped by her place to grab the bag and bungee cords. We secured the mattress and box spring a little better then headed north to the apartment. Thankfully at some point this morning Caleb recruited one of his friends to help move this mattress up the stairs. We all headed to the apartment and waited while they got the keys. Then I put the plastic wrap on the mattress as we unloaded it from the truck. I figured at some point we were going to have to  drag this stupid thing and I wanted to protect our (now Caleb's) free, but several thousand dollar mattress. It took 4 of us with a break or two to get that stupid thing up the stairs. Remember, I am still in chemo mode. My body probably expects chemo on Monday. I could have been done for the day, BUT it is wedding week. I had so much to do, but first...shower again! Then off for a shoe search. Y'all, you have no idea how hard it is for me to find shoes on a normal day. My feet are a 9.5, but super wide and I have a high arch and instep. Now, couple that with the neuropathy and so much swelling. I tried so many shoes. I had to try to cram my toes in because they wouldn't do it on their own. I knew I needed some sort of strap, because after our girls mani/pedi Wednesday, I kept walking out of the flip flops. I couldn't feel them nor could I control my feet to keep them in place. I finally found a pair that I could actually get my foot in despite being unable to buckle them with my fingers. I may or may not wear them. I feel like they are a little too sparkly. I might just at the last minute put on my too high, but perfect shoes, and trust Caleb to get me to my seat. Then ditch them ASAP. Then I picked up Morganne and took her to Samantha for a make up trial. I left them and grabbed a sick Hannah...oh yeah, did I mention that Hannah, Samantha, and Marc are sick? I think the lack of sleep got the girls. Marc gets sick anytime anyone else sneezes... Hannah and I met Josh at Sams Club after he picked up the dress and seating chart. We got so busy on Wednesday that we forgot to get the dress...insert another face palm! We did Sam's Club for all of the rehearsal dinner stuff and some wedding stuff. Then we hauled it all to the Lake House had to rent. This is where we are hosting the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night. Then all of the bridal party will be staying here Friday night. Saturday we all all depart and after the wedding Samantha and Anthony will stay here before leaving for their honeymoon. Thankfully, Josh and Matt showed up to help a very exhausted me and Hannah unload. Josh left us at Sams Club after we scanned his card to go pick up Matt who was at Barnes an Noble working. Y'all, I swear my life seems like a circus! What was next? Hannah and I had to go to HEB to get things we still needed, plus the stuff she needed to bake some desserts. We unloaded that at home. I sent her to bed...she can bake tomorrow morning. Then I packed up our dresses, shoes, make up, hair styling stuff, and so much more to go BACK to the lake house. I barely made it in time to catch the sunset on the deck. I stayed out there long enough to need yet another shower...I think I took 4 today. I started this post while outside, but 3 hour later I am still typing. 

It is 10:30 and Samantha is planning on bringing some wedding venue stuff over tonight. She has to shower first because they had a sports night. 

She did tell me that Josh and Matt and I assume Morganne wanted to come over early...like 9am to enjoy some lake time before we go the the venue to set things up. I guess they liked seeing all of the things to do. As soon as we are done there, we have to book it back to the house to prepare for the rehearsal dinner. I had planned on enjoying coffee and quiet time out overlooking the lake before trying out the kayak. I never got  a chance to today. The only time I sat down between 7am and 8 pm was while I was in the car.  I am exhausted and feel like I have moved 4 households this week.

This was my view when I decided to sit down and start typing. I could enjoy that view forever! 

What I want to say, but can't come up with all of the words is how thankful I am for everyone along this journey. It has been hard! I feel I have missed out on so much wedding planning support with Samantha. I missed out on a lot of the senior year stuff with Hannah. The stress and anxiety has been overwhelming at times. This week in particular. It was not just the chemo and the wedding or all of the moving, it was the test results that never seemed like they would arrive. I did my ctDNA test (the one that looks for the tumor DNA cells) on August 1. The results are usually back in 4-7 days. Well...they were not coming back. I finally messaged my contact person on Tuesday. She said there had recently been a delay, so the results were coming back in 2-3 weeks. This of course ramped up some anxiety. I expected the results by the 7th at the latest. You know me, my mind goes into overdrive sometimes. I had check the website for the results every hour today since 7am. They were not ready. While we are at Sams Club, I got a message about test results in MyChart and my doctor made a comment on them. This of course freaked me out. I didn't have any pending tests. MyChart doesn't receive the ctDNA results until 3 days after they show up on the website. Thankfully, the test was negative. Now I just wait on my scans set for August 29. Then I will stress again while awaiting those results. 

I feel like this is a good time to tell you I have been blown away. I have trudged along on this journey hoping and praying for the best, while trying to let cancer, chemo, and side effects slow me down. It obviously has. I can do hard things. I have done hard things. This has been a whole new level. It has really affected my family...my whole family. It has had an effect on my life, my job, my kids, even my dog! It has also affected how much physically, mentally, and financially I can be there for Samantha and help with the wedding. Time and time again, I have been blown away by the help others have given us. Something will come up and I will think that there is no way that we can swing that and make it happen. If you are a parent. then you will understand how much you want to make your child's dreams come true. Yet, almost every time I have been left wondering how on earth we could swing things...Samantha's sudden appendectomy also hurt since she had to be out of work (no work, no paycheck), I have received a message offering to help with the exact thing that was causing stress for both of us. I don't even know how to thank everyone who has helped along this journey of cancer, sickness, and wedding. All I can say is that God is good. Things have not been easy, but prayers have been answered time and time again! You guys are the best and thank you does not seem like enough for all of the support you have given my family. We will be working on thank your cards for everyone, but we are slow. 

I know that my journey is not over. Cancer will always be in my mind. I want to live. I want to have grandkids. I want to spoil my grandkids  and take them for a week while the parents get some time together. I want to do all of those things and I know that there is no guarantee that it will happen, but I am praying and hoping for God's grace, mercy, and healing. I am still fearful of all of the what ifs and dying...not because I don't know where I am going, but because I am not done yet. I believe that my story can help others and my story is not just cancer. Many times over the past few months I have questioned the fairness of my cancer and chemo. I had already been dealt a tough hand. I was finally working through it all and starting to feel like I was on a good path, then BAM...cancer. 

Thank you friends for everything! I know my family would not have made it through the last year without your love, prayers, support, and financial blessings. Some were anonymous and some were not. We are truly thankful for each and every one of you. The food gift cards were really a lifesaver for us. We still have a few left to use. The offers to help with various parts of the wedding needs have blessed us more than you know! I really had ZERO idea how we were going to cover it. Then when some new need would pop up, just as I started to stress, a miracle- an answered prayer would happen. I promise I will fill you in on all of the miracles and answered prayers. I am just going to need a little time to process it all AND rest! 

Please keep the prayers coming.  My journey may seem like it is over, but it is just a new unknown path. I have no idea how long I will deal with this almost crippling neuropathy. There have been times where my legs have just given out under me. It is usually when my energy supplies are exhausted, but it sometimes happens randomly. There are the regular scans and blood tests that will always create anxiety as well as the random aches and pains that don't seem normal, but likely have  a cause that is not related to cancer. I feel like it will always be a black cloud looming over me, but I will fight hard to not let it overtake me. 

If you read my disjointed post, thank you!