I don't even know what to call this one...FEAR...maybe...

 I have hesitated posting a new update. The wedding is over. It was great...I think. I feel like I was pulled in so many different ways throughout the night that I really didn't get to enjoy much or process what was happening. Also, it is August and it was so humid and hot! I don't have wedding photos to share. I never picked up my phone to take any until Samantha and Anthony were walking out. I am anxiously waiting for the photographer photos! 

There really was no rest time for me. I packed and unloaded everything from the venue into my car. Then unloaded it all at home. I think it was about 1am by the time I showered and went to bed. Sunday was promotion Sunday at church, so I was up early for that. It was a long day and I made a few uncharacteristic, but minor mistakes. Thankfully, Monday I did not get out of bed other than to shower and go back to bed. The rest of the week was nonstop. That seems to be my life right now. I did get to enjoy a beach day with Hannah. I may make a post about that at some point. I had a lot of thoughts about my body that day. I wrote a blog post in my head, but never got out the computer. 

I have 2 married kids, a kid who had her first week in college, and a kid who finally has his own place. It seems like most of this has happened within the last few weeks. Well...not Josh and Morganne getting married. That was 2 years ago. 



What is next? Tomorrow I have my scans. My CAT SCANS! 

To say that I am calm and ok with all of it would be a MAJOR understatement. I have stayed as busy and active as possible in an attempt to not dwell on what this set of scans mean. Right now, at this moment, I show no evidence of disease. This is the word that has replaced remission. My status can change with the results of these scans tomorrow. The timeline of my life could be determined by the results. I want them to be clear. I have been praying earnestly for months for these scans to be clear. Now, the fear has set in. I want to be like the cat in the image...fierce and in beastmode, but the reality is that I feel like the Cowardly Lion. All of the "what ifs? " have seemed to settle in my brain. I want to walk in faith  and not fear,  but that is not my reality. I pray everyday to not have this fear and have more faith. Sometimes it just seems like life likes to dump on me. Even moreso when things seem to be going well. I have already convinced myself that there is cancer somewhere else in my body. It is easier to believe that than to believe that I have no evidence of disease. Those words feel like an unattainable goal...yet one that I am determined to meet. 

So...there it is. I am afraid. I have fear. I don't think that I would ever admit that to most people in person. 

Please pray for me. I want to sleep and not be anxious (have scanxiety) about the tests and the results. Please pray for there to be no evidence of cancer of the spread of cancer. Pray that God will use me and my story to help and encourage others. I want to claim that there is zero cancer anywhere else in my body. I want to claim that my body will go back to a sort of normal. I also want to sleep tonight and not wake up with a panic attack. 

Thanks for walking with me on this journey and for all of the prayers and support. 

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