An update of sorts...

 Today someone mentioned that I haven't given an update and requested that I do one. I had to look to see when I posted last. It was the scan result. I met with my doctor a few days after. She was pleased with my results and mentioned that sometimes the signatera number can fluctuate. Based on my research, it doesn't really. It can fluctuate based on how many cells that contain tumor DNA are floating in the body. However, my researching did tell me that with a number as low as mine, my body could fight off and kill whatever was attempting to grow. In my mind that could explain fluctuating. I have decided to not repeat the test this month. I will wait until late January or February. I am going to live my life like I have clear scans. I am going to celebrate Christmas with my family, Hannah's birthday, Samantha's birthday, and run a half marathon before I even think about doing the test again. 

This past Friday, I had my port flush and blood work. Everything was normal. That makes 2 times in a row that I have not had anything abnormal. I have had abnormal bloodwork since at least 2020. The number I was most concerned with was my CEA, which is a cancer marker. Normal is 0-3.8. December 2024 my number was 5.5. I have had the number drawn in Sept, Oct, and Dec, those numbers were 1.6, 1.7, and 1.8 respectively, so that is good news. However, I have not heard the words "cancer free" only clear scans. My next appointment for port flush,  blood work, and oncology is March 6. I will go and do my signatera test 2 weeks before that day, so I will have the results ready at my appointment. 

I am in a season of feeling melancholy. I am not quite sure why. I have been remembering my childhood and the hours my mom worked. I remember school not letting out until December 23...and that was a half day. Back in the 80s and 90s, people worked up until Christmas. Kids had Christmas Eve off and went back to school on January 2 or 3. Parents may not have even had Christmas Eve off. There have been a lot of feelings that have come up. I have spent my "good" years raising kids. I never experienced the working side of things as an adult. I do remember the stresses of it as a child from a single parent home. Now that I am working, I tend to get stuck in the middle of wondering what I missed out on as a working parent and what I didn't miss out on as a stay at home parent. I guess I have just done a lot of reflection and remembering my own childhood. 

I really didn't expect the holidays to hit me as hard as they have this year. I should be thrilled that I am here for another Christmas and don't get me wrong, I am, but I really am missing my parents. Yesterday, I went to a 70th surprise birthday party for a close family friend. This friend would introduce me to others, BUT the first part of the intro was clear scans and the hard battle over the last year, but it was all about the clear scans. Y'all, this made me really miss my parents. My mom would be shouting it from the rooftops. In that moment, I felt like  I had someone fighting for me and proud and thankful for the clear scans. Then came the sweet part. My next introduction was about my job. I was the "shop manager" when he opened the second shop. I could hold down the fort and there were no worries when I was around. Then came the "how it came to be" story. My grandfather helped establish the Variety Boys Club in Houston around 1952. Larry Dierker...former Astros pitcher was one of the boys there. Well, at the age of 8 my grandfather gave this close friend his first job. He ran the kitchen after my mom decided she didn't want to do it anymore. Apparently, age 13 is the age of being too cool for doing that job. I got to hear stories about how my grandfather showed him the ropes. For a moment, I felt important. I felt like I somehow indirectly played a role. Actually, it was a full circle moment, because at 19 or 20, I needed a job and go to learn the ins and outs of a mechanic shop. 

So, this season as I have prepared to have my kids here at the house, I have felt some longing for Christmas' with my parents. I have missed them. Actually, 8 years ago TODAY my dad had his heart attack. Josh had come home from his first semester at college. My boys were in the middle of a fight that was about to become physical  in the living room. I jumped in the middle and my phone rang. Life in that moment and in that season immediately came to a halt. The house fell silent. The fighting stopped. The stunned silence and fear sat in. At the end of the day...really the 23rd, we thought all was going to go well. Unfortunately, that is not how it turned out in the end. 

I don't want to plan my end, but I do want to make memories each Christmas, so there are no regrets. The Christmas before my dad died, I had just had my appendix out. I was miserable. I look back now and wished I would have soaked in the moments. After my dad died, I was mad at my mom. I know...totally irrational. I won't go into the reasons why, but my anger and the COVID year kept me from truly enjoying her the last few years of her life. I try not to live in the regrets, but the memories really get to me!

My PSA...live every Christmas (holiday...or even day) like it is your last. Cherish the memories. Embrace the moments, even when they are hard. Say all of the things. Don't leave anything unsaid that you could regret later. 5 years after my moms death, I am finally starting to appreciate her more.