Tomorrow is test day!

Tomorrow is the big day. I am hesitant to say that it will change the course of my life. Well, tomorrow won't, but what my CT Scan shows will.  At this point I don't really even know what to wish for. I desperately have been praying for clear scans. My scans can be clear, but I know there is cancer somewhere in my body. Clear scans mean it is just too small to be seen and we keep looking for it. Maybe it will be so slow growing that it won't appear for months. I have also been praying that if something is there, it will small and be something that can easily be zapped or taken out. I guess those two scenarios are the best. I do not want to see results that my insides are filled with cancer and nothing can be done. I still don't know if I will get to meet with my doctor this week. I guess I will call tomorrow instead of relying on MyChart.  I will likely have my results pop up at some point on Thursday. I have been second guessing everything over the last few days. I have had aches and pains that come with being active again, so everything that I have felt can be explained perfectly! I have a history of costochondritis, which is an inflammation of the cartilage connection the ribs to the breastbone, causing chest wall pain that worsens with deep breathing, movement, or pressure to the area. It was bothering me just a tad...like very mildly,  while I was running due to the back and forth motion of my arms. I have had this many times over the past, so knew what it was. However, when I started lifting weights, it got worse. I expected that and know that it will eventually go away. It was also aggravated by my back/shoulder pain that came about from painting and more recently trying to polish that darn brass bed frame. I am still not done! Is the pain that or cancer in my lungs, liver, or peritoneum? Or a pulmonary embolism caused from my calf injury?  Hip flexor??? That pain is nothing new to me. I have had it from running and then it amped up when I added in core work. Ok...is it really hip flexor pain or cancer in the ovaries? Yesterday, I noticed swollen lymph nodes in both of my hips. Is it cancer or my body fighting an infection??? Those don't usually swell on me. Needless to say, my mind has been in overdrive the last few days. I really am trying to stay calm and keep those thoughts under control. I know without a doubt my chest and back pains are muscular. I am less sure about the hip pains. I would feel more confident had it not been for the swollen lymph nodes. I guess the only thing that is comforting is that it is both sides and not just one. 

Then my mind wanders to what did I do? Why now? Honestly, for the first time in my life everything is going well. I mean for real! I am happy. I am actually loving life. I feel like I have everything I have ever wanted. I have NEVER felt this way. EVER! Why now? It is kind of like God said I am going to finally let you be content and happy, but then I will pull that rug out from under you. I know that is not the case, but it sure does feel like it. 

I feel like at some point over the last few days that I read a devotion about being bold in prayer and also thanking God in advance. I have been boldy proclaiming and believing that God will remove this cancer from my body and heal me on earth (I am being that specific, because I am not ready for a heavenly healing). I even went as bold to thank God for letting me live until at least the age of 55. I can't find what I thought I read, but I am thanking God in advance for giving me cancer free time on earth. I am praying for hope and peace in the process. 

Today's devotion really felt like it was written just for me. It started off with "Some days, it's hard to keep it together." UH...YES My heart needs a transformation...the evidence of that is above. The peace that comes from God does not come naturally for me. In my flesh (and past experiences) I panic. If you have known me for any length of time, then you know that nothing has ever been easy. I look for all of the things and all of the details. I want to plan every possible outcome. I want to be ready and prepared. Let me tell you, that is not peaceful! Surrendering and resting in God's Presence is hard. I have grown in that area over the last year, but my first reaction is always panic and doomsday. However, God's Presence calms the storm that is brewing within me. I may seem calm on the outside, but internally I am am F5 tornado in the middle of a Cat 5 hurricane! 

Today, I have fear. I do not want more cancer. I do not want to die. I want to have a houseful of grandkids at Christmas. I was starting to see and plan the future. Yesterday after attending a Celebration of Life, I was mentally planning mine. I thought to myself that I need to write some stuff down and start having some conversations. All I have wanted for as long as I can remember it to be a grandma like the one that I had. I know we are not guaranteed anything in this life...I am even more aware of that now, but that is my hope for my future and the future of my kids and grandkids. At the same time, I have feeling of HOPE bubbling up from within. There have been time throughout the last few days when my inner storm seemed calm. That can only come for God and His Presence in my life. 

Tonight...This is me - boldly proclaiming in faith that I will be cancer free on this earth for some time. About a month ago I dreamed of a grandchild who was somewhere between 3 and 5 in my dream. I believe I will live to see that! No, none of my children are expecting!

If you have made it through all of my inner ramblings, please keep me in your prayers tonight, tomorrow, and beyond. I have not slept much the last few days. I know I will get some answers when I get the results of the scan, but the medical profession does not give immediate answers as to what is next. I want a plan now...a plan to fight this next battle. Now is not really on the time line. Please pray for me to rest in the Hope and Peace that comes from God. Also, please pray for the results. As I said, I don't even know what to pray for. I mean I guess I can pray for a miraculous recovery and there be no cancer anywhere ever again. I do believe in miracles...I guess, I just don't believe that I would ever be worthy of one. OUCH! I don't know where that last part came from. My fingers seemed to type that out without the filter of my brain. I think I am going to stop typing now!