An Update That Doesn't Really Contain an Update

 I have sat with this horrible news for over a week. My feelings of fear, grief, dread, and anxiety have not waned. They just come and go some. Before I get into the details that really contain no details, let me say THANK YOU! Thank you for the overwhelming love and support you have given. Thank you for the hugs. Thank you for the text messages. Thank you for the comments here. I do not know who is posting most of them, but I have come back to read them over and over. The prayers offer comfort. 

It was a rough week mentally. I tried to put everything out of my head, but every ache, pain, and twinge reminded me that my body is trying to kill me. Wednesday I picked up my phone after a meeting and my heart sunk when the notification across my screen said James Van Der Beek had died. While I never watched Dawson's Creek (I am too old- 90210 was my show), I felt emotionally invested in his journey. He announced publicly that be had been battling stage 3 cancer around the same time that I was diagnosed. I was following his journey and hoping for the best, because it gave me hope. Now I am facing stage 4c colon cancer and hope is not easy to come by. Then I saw the GoFundMe for the James Van Der Beek's family. For a moment I was a little mad, but it didn't last long. I get it. Medical costs are expensive. Having cancer is expensive. Cancer robs people from a lot...money, time, memories, families...I get it. Hear this! I am NOT asking for a GoFundMe or financial support. Just stating the reality, because many just don't understand. Had cancer not come back, we would have been current on all of our bills by the end of this month. That is a HUGE thing, because the past 2 years have been hard juggling medical bills and all of the other expenses. We basically chased shut off notices for the last year. Marc's job is commission, so if he takes off to go with me to an appointment, he doesn't get paid. Samantha still only has a part-time job, despite her best efforts to get full-time. She loves what she does and actually has the degree, but is still part-time. Caleb has been out of work for a few months. Hannah is in college and we have those expenses. PLUS, there were wedding expenses last year on top of everything. Thankfully, we have had some help with some of our bills for this month. Some companies have worked with us...some have not. My stupid car company has not...even when given the details of the situation. Thursday they told us that they could extend the January payment until February 20 and the February payment until February 28. It is February 14, so that is not helpful. I would pay it just to stop the phone calls, but Hannah's monthly tuition bill, which is almost the same amount as the car payment is due the 15th of every month. My personal goal is to get her educated before I die, so tuition is getting paid, car is not. Maybe they will have more grace when we call again next week. Maybe they won't...

So, my initial intake appointment at MD Anderson was Thursday. I was a bundle of nerves. I didn't sleep. My stomach was a mess. I was full of anxiety. I am walking a new road in an unfamiliar place. Marc went with me and we were prepared for it to be an all day thing. He could tell I was anxious and even offered to drive. That would not have helped the situation any. His driving is anxiety inducing as it is, add in morning rush hour traffic and driving to an unfamiliar location. Thanks to the boys monthly visits to TCH growing up, I was familiar with the area as far as driving goes. 

We arrived and valet parked as instructed. Found a bathroom...it was a long drive, and got to the right floor. The nurse called us back. He asked all kinds of questions. He had to take my blood pressure 3 times, because it was crazy high. He asked if I was nervous...duh! I think my readings were 165/94, 180/85, and 130/74...or something like that. My normal is 120/70, so it was pretty high. He got a lot of details and then left the room. Then the PA we were scheduled to see came in. She was nice. She listened to me and answered questions. Apparently, she thought I was funny.  She ordered bloodwork and an X-ray to get a good look at my port placement. She mentioned possibilities and words that I really wanted to hear...HIPEC could be in my future (treatment and insurance dependent). She noted that I wanted aggressive and I told her I would do HIPEC  with a liver resection today if I could. I asked about the biopsy that Methodist wanted to do...they finally called me Wednesday afternoon to schedule. She said to hold off and see what the dr wanted. I asked about my scheduled port flush in March. She told me it was likely I would be on chemo or some sort of treatment by then. She asked if I would be interested in clinical trials. I said only if it wasn't a placebo thing and it meant death. She assured me that wasn't the way cancer clinical trials worked. She said they would be paired with a known treatment that works to see if there was an added benefit. She was going to schedule me with a Dr who also offices in the Woodlands, but she didn't have any appointments MONDAY. I told her I didn't want to be bound by location. I would drive across the face of the earth to have a good doctor and a good treatment plan in place. So, I have an appointment Monday at the med center. I think I will have a treatment plan presented that day...at least I hope so. I want to start treatment ASAP. We did my blood work. My CEA that was 6.something last week was 9.something Thursday. My signatera results finally came back. The 0.07 at the end of November had jumped to 68.15. Let's get to work killing this cancer!!!!

Since many of you may never see what "a mass" looks like on a CT Scan, I thought I would show you. 

This image is from December. That balloon looking thing is a full bladder. The thing on top is my uterus.

This image is from last week. My bladder is NOT full in this image as I had just used the bathroom. You can see my uterus on top of my deflated bladder. Then there is a blob...

Here is another view with the measurements. It shows both the big mass and the smaller one.

Here is a view that contains the liver nodule. With each and every scan I have received, I would look at my images and try to compare them to others online. I specifically wanted to know what liver and lung nodules look like...now I know.

I guess in the grand scheme of things, I could be worse. I have hope...some days. I have fears...fears of not making it through the year. I have goals. I really really want to finish the things I have planned for home improvements. Before this, I knew it would take a few years to get it all done slowly. Now I just want to be able to get it done before cancer takes me. I already told my guy the next planned project and want an estimate, but who knows if we will be able to get it done. I was aiming for April/May to be able to start the next thing, but now...who knows. I also want to get some antiques out of storage and refinished. Now I am feeling pressured by time that I may or may not have. 

Please keep me and the family in your prayers. This is hard. Please pray for  a treatment plan that is not just palliative, but has the goal of treating and eradicating to extend life (I know I am no longer curable). My prayer is still, "God I know that you can. I pray that you will." I am praying for that miracle! I have seen these masses on my CT...you have too now, I am praying for them to be gone...even though it seems unlikely and my bloodwork does not support BE GONE. I am on my face several times a day praying. When I wake up at night either in pain or due to a full bladder, I am praying some more. God has the power to heal. Anytime I cross your mind, say a quick prayer.