This is not the update I wanted to give you...

 It has been a long and rough 24 hours. Around 9am every morning, many staffers go to Corner Books to get coffee. Like any other Thursday, we were talking about things. There were pockets of conversations going on. My phone rang. I knew. I knew the number. I knew the results. I knew how the conversation was going to go. 

How could I have gone from feeling on top of the world and running a half marathon less than a month ago to this? GUT PUNCH!

My CEA which was 5.5 at diagnosis and averaged 1.6 this past year was now at 6.8

My CA-125 which had never been done was 80. Normal is 0-35

I am still waiting on the results of the signatera test. 

All of my other blood work was normal.

Now for the hard part. I have 2 pelvic masses. One is 6.5cm x 3.8cm x 4.5 cm. The other is a 1.5 cm nodule. I also have a liver nodule that is 1.5cm x 1.3 cm. 

Surgery is off the table. My oncologist wants to biopsy the 1.5 pelvic nodule and start chemo to "control it." No options after that were offered. 

I woke up a few times in the middle of the night on Tuesday thinking MD Anderson. 

Then when I finally woke up Wednesday, I felt peaceful. I thought maybe this was all going to be ok. That didn't last long as I had to battle all day Wednesday for CT scan approval. 

Thursday, after the call no one wants to get, I went into overdrive. I do not want to just settle for chemo. I am in quite a bit of pain! I will save you from trying to do the measurements...I have a solid mass the size of a plum in my lower pelvis region. I want better options than just chemo. Is that possible? I do not know, I am not a doctor. 

Back in November 2024, the week I was diagnosed, we had a Nextgen retreat. My colonoscopy was scheduled for that Friday. One of my coworkers final day at work was the same day I found out I had colon cancer. She went to work at MD Anderson with the colon cancer department. We messaged a little after my diagnosis about possibly getting set up there. I have had many people ask why I didn't start there. The short answer is that my team was following the standard protocol of care and it was working.

Fast Forward...or rewind to yesterday. I sent her a message. She responded immediately with what my first and next steps should be to get into the MD Anderson system. I did that...even though it took a while since I was also trying to work and had many other distractions. She also sent a message to the doctor who wanted more information about me and my case. I sent it. Not long after, I got a call saying the doctor pulled me for a referral and we worked to get set up. The only possible hold up would be financial. MD Anderson does nothing until that is in place. By the end of the day I had a phone registration and appointment set up. It kills me that it is for next Thursday, but in all honestly, I can't complain. 

I really do not know the next steps. I was told that I would likely have more scans that same day. I am hoping for a gracious response by the insurance company this time, but also feeling the stress as I have already put out $1,500 to medical care in the past week. Not sure what scans will be ordered. They mentioned that it could be a repeat CT, MRI (to get a better look at the liver), and/or PET. They have also requested the tissue sample from my resection back in December 2024 to do their own pathology report. I was told that as soon as they have the tissue in hand, I will be responsible for my portion of the payment. Of course this does freak me out. We were almost caught up on everything after being behind all of the past year. I know that God's got it though. I am trying not to stress those details. There are plenty of other things to stress about now. 

This is where all of my fear starts creeping in though. If this thing went from nothing to a plum in 2 months, how big will it be by the time all of this gets rolling? Do I continue with the biopsy that my current oncologist ordered? Or do I wait. I secretly fear that sticking something into that nodule will release more cancer cells into my abdominal cavity...sort of like poking a hole in a water balloon. Should I wait and see what MD Anderson wants to do? I have so many questions and unknowns swirling in my brain. At the same time, I am just tired! I hurt! I want to do something to decrease the size or remove this. thing. I want to feel normal again. I am stressed out, have tension headaches, and so many muscle aches through my  neck and back just from tensing up due to the stress of it all. I have not had this feeling in so long and I do not like it. 

I am really tired of having hard conversations with my kids. They have questions I can't answer. I know the prognosis is not good. I have done way more crying over these results than I did throughout the whole process the first time.

Someone asked me how I was doing. I am not ok. I am not done. I want to see my grandkids (that do not exist anywhere yet) grow up. I want to hold that tiny human and support the sports and music. I want to be there for my kids as they experience the joy of parenting. I want to finish my remodel projects in the house, which includes refinishing, repairing, and getting a lot of my moms/grandparents stuff out of storage. I want my kids to see my grandmothers beautiful China and eat off of it at Christmas. I am not done! I still have a story to tell and I want the story to be told by me...alive and not through words or memories. Yesterday, Caleb found out he has been. accepted to the Police Academy and starts March 9. I want to see him graduate and succeed. Most of all, I want him to know Jesus as his savior. 

Please pray for my heart. Please pray for my family. In my head, I know that God's got this and He is not surprised, but honestly, in my heart I am struggling with that. I have been working to literally rebuild my life and pick up the pieces that have been a mess for 40+ years. It has been going great. I was on the right path and leaning into God and being willing to be used...even when its hard. Now, I am just a mess. I can't eat. I can't sleep. Everything hurts...my body and my heart.