I am Sorry

 

People have asked me about my lack of updates. I am sorry. I didn't realize how long it had really been.

I am about 11 weeks out of surgery. Recovery is going how it is supposed to...I guess. I know my insides will be healing quite a while longer than my outside. 

What is next? What is the plan? I had a ctDNA test done at the end of July. It was negative! That is a good sign,  but not completely foolproof. I had a negative result back in May after I had been off chemo for a while. Sure, chemo could have still been affecting the result, but I know there was plenty of active cancer in my body at that time. Negative test means surveillance.  I had an appointment with my oncologist a few weeks ago. Things are going as they should. I am scheduled for scans and blood work on November 7 and the oncology appointment on November 9. I am praying for clear scans and good bloodwork, but in my mind is full of doubt. Right now, every little ache and pain is (in my head) cancer growing back and (in my head) growing fast. Truthfully, it is really hard to tell what pains are normal healing pains, what pains are scar tissue tugging at things, what pains are things rearranging on the inside, and what pains are normal muscle pains as they get used again. 

I am currently debating messaging the surgical team about some nagging pain. I probably will, but then the fear sets in...what if this is not normal and cancer is already back and growing. As I have started walking more and even taking the stairs, my core has been activated. There have been some sure muscle pains. There were two instances last week that also triggered plenty of pain. One was at work. I helped someone close a garage door thing. The core pain was instant. Thankfully, a little over a week later, that pain has subsided. The other was walking the dog with Marc. I don't know what his deal was. I guess he was just happy he could walk fast. He had Hannah's dog and got ahead as my dog stopped to sniff everything. My dog kept trying to catch up. This happened for a mile. That pain was intense. Even my arms and shoulders hurt. I can't tell if my right core side discomfort is still from that. There are spots that are still tender. I have another spot that gives me sharp pains when I stand up if I have been still for a long time...particularly when I get up in the morning. I already felt the right side of my incision was larger than the left side. Of course, now I am panicked that there is something growing there. I understand that this could very well be all muscle/ligament, but that is not where my mind goes. I mean...what is normal right now? I was convinced that I would message the surgeon today, but the pain hasn't been horrendous. I still feel the tenderness if I touch my stomach. It is a broad area and to me feels more intestine-y than muscle-y. I have not tried to trigger the sharp pain. I am also not walking the dog today. My right side is really the one that feels the brunt of that. For a while parts of my abdomen were numb from being cut. I can feel most of it now. I am glad, because that is a very strange feeling. 

Anyway, all that being said. I am praying the pain is muscular and will be gone when I wake up. 

Other than that, I am back to work. I am usually crawling into bed by 8:30 because I still wear out easily. I have yet to add back in any chores. My core would die if I tried to vacuum. I am still at a big risk for a hernia since my insides are still healing. The incision is hard and itches. I have tried to massage it some lately to loosen the scar tissue some. I am hoping to not have a hard lumpy scar down my body. 

Baby girl is growing and due in 9-ish weeks. The baby shower is this weekend. 

Prayer Requests: 

• continued healing
• this nagging right-sided pain
• upcoming tests
• nerves and anxiety
• energy
• my baby and her baby

Thanks friends! I will try to do better about updating. It has been hard, because by the time I get home from work, I am just done. The last thing I want to is get my computer and think.