The Good the Bad and the Ugly

 I know, I haven't really hit the ugly yet.  In case you haven't noticed, I am always trying to deflect and find the humor somewhere in this whole experience, which is not the life I imagined and had planned out. It would not be honest to not include the hard, because it is hard and will only get harder. 

Yesterday was disconnect. It went fine; I was just really tired. I was warned that the days following disconnect would not be good days. I worked and it was good! I love being back into the groove of things and truly enjoy what I do and the people I am surrounded by, but I was sure wiped out by the time I got home. I had problems falling asleep when I got home last night, despite the tylenol pm. I also took the nausea meds in hopes of not waking up at 1:20 am. Well, that didn't go well. Grunt woke up coughing and threw up on the bed. Marc had to clean the vomit (I am not allowed to touch anything that comes out of an animal), yet I still had to remind him to wash his hands with soap and water afterward. I got the bedding changed and tried to sleep. My mind was still in overdrive, since Grunt had drank possibly chemo tainted toilet water 24 hours before hand. Grunt just kept crying. Marc's solution was to just let him stay outside. He was tired and just wanted to go back to bed. He had been complaining of not feeling well...and that trumps everything. It was rainy and I was not comfortable with leaving him outside alone at 2:00 am. I watched him outside for a while, but he was just standing around. Finally, I grabbed a pillow and blanket and went to the couch. He would cry and pace and try to rest only to cry and pace again. A few hours later, he fell asleep on the recliner and I went back to the bed. He eventually followed. I am trying to be comforted in the fact that Athena threw up a few days ago and Padme did a coughing thing the day before Grunt started. He seems fine today, just tired...I hope. I am not.

The fatigue and nausea has hit me hard. I always get nauseous when I don't sleep well and I haven't in the last few nights. I plan to discuss options to help with this at my next appointment. I feel bad because I have asked Hannah to clean up the kitchen counter and sink. There are also muddy dog prints in the kitchen. The towels in the dryer need to be folded and put away and the sheets put into the dryer. I just want to sleep, but I can't and it is frustrating! I hate having to ask Hannah to pick up the slack. She is still a kid and I don't want her to feel the pressure of having to play nurse and see me feeling so bad. In my head, this is not how it is supposed to be. 

I am supposed to be enjoying this time in the life of my kids! Samantha and I are going to look at wedding venues tomorrow in hopes of finding "the ONE" that actually fits into the budget. I am supposed to be enjoying all of the 'lasts' with my last child, Hannah. Yet, here I am feeling horrible and unsure of the future. These are not the feelings that I like to have and dwell on, yet that is where I am today. I am longing for normal. For life before cancer. For life when I felt full of life. 

I know I can't do all of the things and be all of the things and it is a crushing feeling. I like being able to do it all. I miss it and I want it back! 

The good: 1st round of chemo was manageable. My mouth still feels horrible and numb and I can't really taste anything.

The bad: I feel like utter crap today...mentally and physically.

The ugly: the mental part is taking its toll today. I feel I am grieving so much and afraid of what is to come.