Unintentional Silence
Yesterday, several people expressed concern since I had not really had much to say this past week. It was not intentional, but I really didn't have anything to say. Even the inner dialogue in my brain was silent, which is very rare! I have tried for years to get my brain to shut up, but it just has so much to say. For those of you that are not aware, I am an introvert. I know, some of you may see me and think there is absolutely no way, but it is true. A few years ago, our work team did various placement tests. I don't remember which one takes into consideration the introvert and extrovert qualities, but I scored ZERO points on the extrovert side. Of course, this means I got a 100 on the introvert scale. If you know me well, I strive for perfection. I don't care if an 89.5 is still an A, it is not a 100! I don't think it was possible for me to rig the test, because there were a gazillion questions. Also, no one in the room for that team meeting was surprised. All that to say that my brain always has something to say, but my mouth very rarely says any of it.
The 3rd round of chemo went so much better than round 2. There were some issues. Monday after infusion, I went to Hannah's softball game. I did have some issues walking due to the neuropathy in my feet. Then, when it was time to leave, my hands were doing a thing. It is hard to explain the feeling. It is one of those things that you will not really 'get' unless you experience it. My fingers felt like pins and needles. The closest way to describe the feeling is that your hand went to sleep and it hurts when it wakes up. However, that is not really what it feels like. Take the worst your hands (or feet) have felt in that instance. Then multiply it by 1000. It also does not go away. In addition to that, I could not feel my fingers. I know you are wondering how I can be in pain and not feel my fingers at the same time. I have no idea. I had to ask Hannah to get my keys out of my purse, because I couldn't do it. As we were walking to the car...slowly, since my feet were also having issues, I realized I couldn't unlock the car. Hannah had to do that too. She tossed the keys in the seat so she could put away her softball gear. I got in and couldn't pick the keys up or start the car. At this point, she had already asked me several times if I needed her to drive. Nope, I am good. I could still grip the wheel. Well, about that time, my hands started cramping. I am sure it had to be comical. I was still determined to drive. We did make it home and eventually all of that subsided some. It did come back Tuesday morning while I was trying to get ready for work. I could not grip my clip to put my hair up. I hurt to even try, so I gave up. I ended up using a hair band, which was also not easy. I am sure I looked like I slept in my hair. I have no idea how to interpret that last sentence, but if you had seen my hair last Tuesday, you would get it.
I did figure some things out about my body. I don't like change. This should come as no shock to anyone. My body must not like change either. Everything had its place and its assigned job for 48 years. Back in December it went through a major change. It is missing 1/3 or more of its food holding area/exit route. My body is still adjusting to having that part removed. I imagine things may even still be finding a new place inside my body...at least that is what I tell myself when I have random pains that pop up. One of the things that has been bothersome is that I feel full, hungry, and nauseous all at the same time. This is the worst during the chemo weeks. I think my brain has finally come out of some of the chemo fog to put some of the issue together. I get steroids for 3 days which makes me hungry. I get premeds for nausea which makes things STOP...if you know what I mean. The nausea is present due to the chemo drugs, being full, and being hungry. Well, I try to eat when I am hungry, but the part of my body that is having to adjust to the missing piece is still adjusting. To put it simply, my remaining colon doesn't feel like it is contracting to move things along. I am sure it is, just not at the level that a normal body contracts. So, things are not moving along and out as quickly as they should. Still moving, just not like a normal person. It feels like I spend a week readjusting to things before I have to start over again. I think, if I could figure out how to adapt to this issue, things may be a little better.
Ok...enough talk of all of the stuff that should probably be left unsaid.
Part of my silence is that I have still felt down. This whole ordeal is a roller coaster of feelings, emotions, physical changes, etc. I haven't been depressed about it all, just in a funk. I am still trying to wrap my head around all of this. Yet, at the same time, I do not want to be on this road. I do not want to be in this fight. I want normal. I want to feel well. I want my life back. I want to be able to plan things...future things. I know tomorrow is not guaranteed for anyone, but it hits different when the realization is that those future tomorrow's that you want to plan for may not come. There are things that I want to do and see. There are experiences that I want to have. Truth is...I may not get them. I am a planner. I would plan out my next 10 years if I could, but I am here and can only plan on my next chemo dates.
I have also had some fear and anxiety mixed with sadness. This may sound stupid, but this feeling is about rodeo. It starts tomorrow. Reba is tomorrow. I am going to Reba. Yes, I know I can write complex sentences, but I don't want to make those sentences complex. I am beyond excited about going, so I have been fearful of not being able to actually go. Sounds stupid, but what if I get sick? What if I am too tired? What if I just can't physically? I know those feelings don't help me out any. It may be contributing to the random stomach pains that of course freak me out now. Currently, it is in my upper middle of my stomach area. This is where I would figure attachment of my remaining colon and small intestine is located, but I am not sure. My back, neck, and shoulders have also been achy the last two days. In addition to that, I really think my body hates the port. My last off chemo week I was achy to the right of the port. This time it is to the left of the port. My chest just feels sore...like I did chest exercises, but only on one side. I brought it up at my last appointment. There is no redness, swelling, or fever...
Today, I woke up with a headache. I am 99% sure it was caused by dehydration. Thursday, Hannah had softball games. I did not drink nearly enough water. Friday, I may have come close to about 48 ounces...still not enough. Saturday was more softball. I am pretty sure I drank less than Thursday. Sunday is always a struggle. I don't think I even managed 32 ozs. I am trying to do better today, but haven't gotten there yet. Part of the issue is being busy. The other issue is that many times, it feels like I am swallowing needles. Yes, that feeling in my fingers also happens in my throat. So, there has been some frustration with all of that.
I have spent most of my day resting, but I also went out for a walk and just sat outside for a while. Being outside did help my mood some. I even thought about what I could possibly say here. One thing that popped in my head...my inner dialogue is back, has to do with one thing that I hear all of the time. "You look good" or "You look amazing" or "I would never know you were going through this." I love y'all! Many times I really don't know how to respond. I think I do now. I did speak about this with a trusted friend who had gone through a different form of cancer years ago. Basically, what it comes down to is that I don't have to (or want to) look like I feel. Most of the time, I joke that make up and clean hair do wonders. That is absolutely true! I do usually have to add some color midday as to not appear pale and scary. It also occurred to me and was pointed out that the joy of the Lord is my strength. I can only do what I do, because I have been empowered to do it. Yes, chances are, if you see me smiling and interacting on a Sunday morning, you would never know. That is all God! When I walk away from that role, whether it be midday Sunday or Wednesday or Sunday night, I am almost instantly hit with all of the physical feelings that I have not felt for those few hours. There may be times in the busyness of Sunday morning where I take a second, but most of the time it goes unnoticed...unless you are watching me closely. I will say that I probably look the worse on Wednesday's during chemo week. My hair is not clean and I feel like I get hit by a truck that day. Thankfully, y'all don't see me the following day.
Am I out of my funk? I don't know. Maybe... Than again, maybe not... I am praying the funky pain in my stomach goes away. I want it to be nothing other than my body still adjusting to change. Please pray with me for the aches and pains to go away.
Speaking of Texas... I have already mentioned that Rodeo starts tomorrow. Grunt likes bandanas. I have a ton of them. Today, I pulled out his Rodeo bandana (I may have to buy him another one this year). He was so excited that I had a hard time getting it put on him. While I have many March themed bandanas, this will be the one he wears for the next 3 weeks.
I will finish this update with specific prayer requests: Please pray for the stomach pain, which I think has moved a little since I sat down and started to type over an hour ago. Also, please pray for the fatigue. I have a very busy week ahead. Tomorrow, after work, we are headed to the rodeo to do all of the things and see Reba. Wednesday, before heading into church for Kidlink, I have my monthly blood draw. Thursday, Hannah has a softball tournament and the first game is in Pearland at 8am! That is about an hour and half from me during morning Rush Hour. She has three games that day. Then we are headed to the rodeo. I have my first work shift that night. I will be able to have a recovery day on Friday before more softball on Saturday and church on Sunday. Normal Jen could do all of this easily. Cancer/chemo Jen is going to have a hard time. Regarding Rodeo, people have said there is always next year. Is there? I am only attending one show...unless I can miraculously find Brooks and Dunn tickets. Then I am working my 4 shifts...at least that is the plan.
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