Round 6 in progress!

 I am in the chair and being infused as we speak. I am exhausted...it was a long night and I only got 2 hours of sleep. . My arm and shoulder pain kept getting worse, so I went to the ER to check for a blood clot and PE. Both of those came back clear for that issue. However, there were a few other things that popped up. They didn't mention them, but I saw it on the report. Of course it has my head spinning. I am just going to copy word for word what the report said in these 2 different sections. 

Lungs: Minimal bilateral posterior dependent lower lobe subsegmental atelectasis. Incidental note of a punctate 2mm peripheral right lateral upper lobe pulmonary nodule, reference image 50 of the axial lung window series#304.No focal airspace consolidations are identified. No significant pulmonary edema is identified. No pleural effusions or pneumothoraxis identified. The tracheal airway is clear without significant intraluminal debris.

Mediastinum: Heart size is within normal limits. No pericardial effusion is identified. Mild coronary calcifications.The ascending aortic root is within normal limits in caliber. Borderline enlarged 1.2 cm AP diameter right hilar lymph node. No other significant mediastinal or left hilar lymphadenopathy. Right internal jugular chest port catheter in place with the distal tip terminating at the cavoatrial junction.

Both of those had me consulting Dr. Google until 4am...in my defense, it was after 2:30am when I got home. It could be nothing...It could be something. It could be related to whatever respiratory thing I had in March, or it could be metastasis. Obviously, I am hoping for the former. My next visit with my oncologist is May 5, but with a nodule so small, Dr. Google says it is a watch and wait to see what it does. I would hope that nothing new would grow while I am actively doing chemo, but I know it is always a possibility. 

Honestly, I almost had a panic attack on the way to get the CT scan. My new fear is always that something will show up that is not supposed to be there. Looks like my fears were realized. Now I worry about my abdominal area. The CT only looked at the chest. What is going on with my liver? Pancreas? Intestines? Female parts? UGH...worrying sucks and we have already established that I am a worrier. If any of this is bad and not the result of an infection somewhere, my life expectancy just dropped like a ton of bricks!

Next question...or first question- Is anyone still doing the churchwide devotion? The first sentence was like a smack in the face. "We are reluctant to admit it, but many of us hope for good from God while expecting disappointment." Well...I might as well raise my hand. This is me. BUT, it goes on... "We would love to encounter Him, but we suspect the encounters may come in the guise of suffering--as though the only way we grow closer to Him is through pain and trials." Surely I am not the only one who has thought that! Not just about this journey, but so many things in the past. I definitely think there have been times when I did not want to draw closer to God, because I was afraid of the cost. I am afraid of the trials, because I have already had so many. I desperately want to be filled with hope, but sometimes hope is hard. I haven't even been on this journey long, but it has already cost me so much. I was finally finding my hope and joy again after years of just surviving. I was happy. Now, I struggle to find that happiness. I can put on a happy face. I have had a lifetime of practice. That same feeling is no longer present. I struggle to stay positive and find the hope. I long for peace, but am afraid that peace may mean the worst healthwise. Right now, in this minute, I am praying for hope. I am praying for cancer to go away and not come back. I am praying that I am not one of the statistics. Stage 3B-mucinous adenocarcinoma-KRAS-G12V mutation- high tumor budding score- Grade 2 tumor- perineural invasion-MSI Stable...those all point to a poor outcome. I want to the the overcomer statistic. I am praying that whatever in my lung is not cancer and does not put me at stage 4. I expect to be stage 4 at some point, but I was hoping for a few years down the road. Please pray for all of these things with me. I do know that we serve a great God. I still feel like He is not finished with me yet, but I also feel that many of my hopes and dreams have been or are being crushed. 

Ok...back to chemo and out of my head. I feel like this infusion has already gone on for hours, but the Oxaliplatin isn't even halfway finished. I just want to be done with it and go home and back to bed. I also really want it to be finished, because I really need to use the bathroom! 

I dozed off some. Not too much though...the nausea is crazy bad again today. I ordered soup, jello, and crackers for lunch. I have only managed a few bites of jello. I think I am almost done. I am on the 5FU bolus. Once that is done, I get hooked up to the pump. Then I am on my way out.

Jello anyone???

I guess this is going to be another week of potatoes and ginger ale! Hopefully, they are still good to me.