A Little, but a Lot

 A lot of life has happened in the since the last time I posted...that seems to be the theme... My goal was to post an update at least once a week, but I failed. I used to have a fear of failure...not anymore. LOL For real though, failing is a learning experience. Well, not in school...I don't care that an 89.5 is an A, I want a 100 anything less is a failure. 

So, since the last update, not a lot health wise has happened. I did schedule my 1 year colonoscopy. My mind drifted to the original appointment with the doctor. We were both sure that my stressful life was causing a bleeding ulcer. I remember being nervous and terrified when I went into the room before the procedure. I remember the doctor noticing. He sat down on the side of the bed to try and calm my anxiety. I remember him sitting in the same place on the side of the bed when he told me he found something and it was highly likely that is was cancer. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to the colonoscopy that is scheduled for November. I think I may have a little PTSD. I know that no-one wants to go through a colonoscopy, but it saved my life...so far. 

My mind drifted back to the week before my life was rocked. I went to the Jelly Roll concert. Y'all, I was a fan before he became so popular. His songs really touched my heart way back in 2020. That is a post for another day though. I will say that I was floored when I heard Jelly Roll of KSBJ. Amy Grant was banned for getting a divorce for 10-15 years, but they were playing Jelly Roll????  It was a duet with Brandon Lake, but still...Look the song up if you haven't heard it. So good!!!! Again, another that just punches you in the gut. The rest of the week before then was a NextGen training week. I remember feeling so bad...in pain, exhausted,  and just not anywhere near normal. I don't want to dwell on the bad and all of the horrible mental and health feelings that go along with it. 

I got to have a very long lunch with a treasured friend. Just in case you don't know, I have trust issues. I don't let many people in. I am an open book, but I dissociate from that book. I have no feelings, but I feel deeply. Both my friend and I have had our worlds rocked and flipped upside down this past year. I hve so many feelings that I have yet...and refused to express yet. 

In regards to my goals and physical fitness, I have had more successful weeks of waking up early and running. I feel like I will get my groove back at some point.

By now, most of you know that I have a new job. So many people have asked me if I am happy, because I absolutely loved my previous job. The answer is YES! I get to use my brain and feel smart. I think so many people think of stay-at-home moms and homeschool moms as homely and stupid. Yes, there were many times that I felt that way. There were times that I felt like I was just a "smile and wave" person. I understand that there have been times in my life where mentally that is all that I could be, but sometimes I felt boxed in. Now, I feel like I can do more and learn more and be more. I actually feel needed. I don't know that I have ever felt that way.  I am worth more...

Speaking of my new position...I spent the last few days in Phoenix at a conference. I feel like I have found my people and the people that I want to be. There is so much to learn and so much more that I want to be and do. I wish I could have gone to this conference years ago. It  could have made me so much more efficient and proficient. I feel challenged and needed. I truly can't wait to see what comes next. Well...in relation to work, not health. I want my health to be a win. I know that cancer will never leave my life, but I want to be able to not think about it. 

My half marathon training is going well...except for the long runs. I managed to do a treadmill run...with numb feet...and not fall while in Phoenix. I was not brave enough to run the streets at 5am, but I hit the gym. Speaking of the gym. That place was so packed at 5am! It was a large gym as far as hotel gyms to, but there were more people in there between 5 and 6 am than I have seen in my whole life of hotel gyms. It was crazy! All I could say to myself is, " don't these people sleep?" Tomorrow is my planned long run. I am hoping that I can at least run 4 miles of it. 

I can say that I did learn one thing this week about my body....the swimming pool was miraculous for my feet.   Almost instantaneously, I felt no pain. For the first time in 2 months my feet and ankles were not swollen. The only time I felt the fuzzy feeling and the pins and needles feeling was when I was vigorously kicking my feet. I think I need a pool.... no seriously, I wanted to cry.  I LONG to feel normal!  I am trying to replicate that feeling with no luck. My feet are currently really cold because I have been icing them. It may feel better, but  I will know more as time goes on.

My current prayer requests are for my neuropathy, my anxiety surrounding the colonoscopy, and the other upcoming tests. Also, please pray for my kids. There is one in particular that needs to be covered in prayer.

I honestly can't wait to see what God does next...