525, 600 Minutes
525, 600 minutes (give or take a few)...that is how long it has been since I hear the words, "you have cancer." If I would have started composing this post a few weeks ago, it would have been a lot different...Maybe more light hearted and humorous, but as this day has approached, I have found myself a tad more emotional.
The song, "Seasons of Love" starts like this:
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How
about love? Measure in love.
Seasons of love.
How do you measure a year? I admit, I am a creature of habit, so my year would typically be measured by routine...sort of like crossing the days off of the calendar with some milestones tossed in.
This year it was measured very differently. At first it was the diagnosis, followed by the CT scans, iron infusion, and doctors appointments leading up to surgery. Then surgery recovery came along before chemo started. It would be easy to measure my year by doctor appointments and chemo infusions, but that is not really a good measure of my year. Somehow, through it all, I lived a lot of life. So, lets start with that!
One year ago today I was grappling with how to tell my kids I had cancer. I was scared of my next steps, but the go getter in me had as much planned out as possible before the end of the day. Thanksgiving was coming up, but I wasn't feeling very thankful. I embraced my fatigue and body aches since I finally knew the cause. I let my body rest. I did not walk, run, play football, or help decorate. I made the turkey and kind of pushed everything else off. Only a few select people knew. Sometimes I felt like they looked at me with pity. I was not a fan, but I know it was out of love and concern. We celebrated Christmas with me on the couch recovering from surgery. Fun times! This year will be very different. I have even already bought 2 gifts.
Word started to get out about my cancer near the end of December and early January. The amount of love an support I, and my family, have been shown over this last year has been immense.
Back to the living life that has happened over the year. I am going to say the only way any of it was possible was through Divine Strength (I remember I said I would write about that at some point, sorry). Chemo started on January 27. I think it was after either that 1st session, or maybe the 2nd that I ended up in the ER. I was worried how I felt at that time would define my whole journey. Thankfully, that was not the case! People have said that I made it look easy. I assure you, it was not! No one took photos of me on the hard days...and there were a lot of them.
Life lived:
- I continued to work through all of the treatments. I don't remember taking any time off. There may have been a few times on long Sundays when I went home early.
- Samantha got engaged.
- I worked my Rodeo shifts AND attended 2 shows outside of those shifts.
- I went to California for Josh's birthday and Morganne's graduation.
- I hiked in the mountains.
- I tried to be present for Hannah's final year in softball and went to as many games as I could.
- I helped Samantha shop for a wedding venue, dress, and decorations.
- I hung in there and worked VBS. I feel like it was the best on yet as far as my role goes.
- I worked out on the good days.
- I signed up for the half marathon.
- I started running again (currently sidelined with an injury).
- Samantha got married.
- Caleb moved out.
- I started a full time job in a new role at the church.
- I went to a conference in Phoenix.
- After chemo ended I went to the pool, lake, and beach at least once.
- Hannah started college.
- I am currently in the middle of a remodel of Caleb's old bedroom.
- I started lifting weights and rowing again, since I currently can't run.
- I went camping.
- Now I am planning the holidays...and hoping the room is finished for Josh and Morganne.
Back to the song:
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
I have had a lot of daylights and seen sunsets (and sunrises) over the mountains, ocean, lake, downtown desert of Phoenix, river, and everywhere in between. I confess that I can't do the math to measure the cups of coffee! There has been a lot and if you know me, you know that is the case! I have scooted inches when that is all I could handle and traveled a lot of miles on my feet, in the car, and in the air. Believe it or not, I have found laughter in the midst of strife. There have been times that I have laughed so hard I have cried. There have also been times when I have sat down and cried.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How
about love? Measure in love.
Seasons of love.
Yes, in love. There has been so much love. I have felt more loved over the last year than I have felt my whole life...total! Sure, that could be sad to think about, but my friends, family, coworkers, and perfect strangers have rallied around me and shown so much love. Once my diagnosis got around, I received cards, phone calls, and text messages. I would get text messages letting me know that someone gifted me doordash or gubhub funds. My church family collected gift cards to use at food places near us. There have been many generous donations to help cover things such as medical expenses and wedding expenses. Without all of those things, I probably would not have gotten to experience most of the things listed above (my airfare to California was bought with points). I really started this journey stressed out about not only my health, but our finances. Every time something would pop up that seemed like an impossible hurdle, I would receive a call or text message from someone wanting to help out. It was truly a God thing! That doesn't mean it was easy. We are still playing catch up on all of the things that we were behind on and juggling shut off notices for, but I am hoping to have everything back to current by the end of February.
Last year, I really thought I was celebrating my last Thanksgiving and Christmas. That is how bad I was feeling at the time. This year, I am regaining energy that was lost due to the anemia caused by the cancer and the treatments. I am nowhere near 100% and may never get back to MY 100%, but am learning to be ok with that...today.
What this past 525, 600 minutes has taught me is that I am loved...not only by my family, but friends, coworkers, strangers, and God. I know that seems like it should be obvious, but there have been circumstances in the past that made me feel unlovable or undeserving...and I don't accept love and feelings well. I have learned that I can do hard things. I have learned that my kids can be really great. I have learned that I can indeed lean on and trust God to handle things. I don't like to not have control...that really stresses me out. I have learned to not stress the small stuff and to slow down and enjoy the little things. It is the little things that really make life.
I am thankful for all of the things the year has brought and taught me. I know my journey is not over and will probably never be. If you are still reading this, please pray for my upcoming CT scan. My lungs will be rescanned to look at the nodules that were present in August. I am praying that it is all clear. If so, I think I can be deemed cancer free and hopefully relax some until the next round of scans.
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