Warp Speed

 

I feel like everything is moving at warp speed, yet at the same time, things are moving so slowly. It has been less than 3 weeks since I found out my cancer returned and spread. I want things to move quickly so we can get a handle on this before it gets worse, but I  also want to feel like I can catch my breath some. In case you missed it, chemo starts on Monday. 

Quick recap...Meet with an oncologist at MD Anderson on Monday. Chemo is set with Folfiri + Avastin. It seems like MD Anderson ran a crap load of tests. I have been getting "Test Results" texts and emails all week. One of those tests was a UGT1A1 Phenotype test. My result is "Abnormal" which means I am an intermediate metabolizer. This means that I have a higher risk of jaundice or toxicity with the irinotecan. Yay me! They also reread my CT scan from February 4. They agreed with the adenexal mass, which they are calling 7 cm. They noted the deposit in my signmoid messentary as well another 1.3 cm deposit in my LUQ. Sigh... Thankfully, there is still only 1 liver nodule. I am to the point where I expect every new text or email to be coming from MD Anderson.

Right now, the plan is for me to show up at MD Anderson in the Woodlands at 11:30 for bloodwork. If you have followed my journey for a while, then you know that this determines whether or not I get to have the chemo. I do not anticipate low white blood cell counts this early in the game. I don't know if I hang around or what, because my infusion appointment is at 1:00. I should be done around 4:30. That reminds me, I need to get my 'just in case' meds picked up from HEB. Nevermind, they aren't ready yet. One is delayed 2 business days. The other has been called in twice, but still not on my list. This could be bothersome. Those are the ones that I will likely need most. The plan WAS to go in over lunch in Katy for my disconnect. My plan was great. I could do this over lunch break. Well...My Chart burst that bubble. They scheduled another chest, abdominal, pelvic CT for Wednesday morning before disconnect. UGH. I did not want to have to take sick time for this. I have to show up at 11:25 and drink all of the flavored stuff again. Total time...2.5 hours, then on to get disconnected. Guess it will be an extended lunch. 

Can I say that I am really dreading the CT. I don't want it. I don't want to know what they find. I don't want it to be bad. It will have only been 3 weeks since the last one, but it's 3 weeks without treatment while things are likely growing. I do not want more cancer spots in my body. I just want it to all go away. I want the other one to be wrong. I want to be good and cancer free. 

Which am I dreading more? Chemo or another CT?  I don't know!

Yet, I may not get the CT on Wednesday anyway. I did get a call saying that is needs insurance preauthorization. We are still waiting on it. If we don't get the ok, it will be cancelled. I don't know if I want that either? Maybe I want some time for chemo to do its thing before looking to see how bad it is. I just need insurance to do its thing and approve it all. 

I really just want to live my life...the one that I have been rebuilding since chemo finished in August. Things have just been going so well. I don't want a bad ending. I don't want to be knocked out by chemo. I want to live and do all of the things. 

It's not fair!

I know, I know...life is not fair. I used to tell my kids that while they were growing up if they complained. What did I do to make it come back? I know nothing, it just happens, but that is not comforting. I need to change my mindset and not dwell on all of that.  

I am ready to start chemo and start kicking the cancer out of my body. Yet, I am also dreading it. 

I am so thankful for all of the prayers and the people who have taken time to cover me in prayer. 

I think I used to end my updates with specific requests for the rounds...

Please pray for this next/first round of chemo. Please pray for minimal side effects and toxicity. Please pray it does not knock me down right away. I do not plan on doing an in the moment/all day post like I did for Round 1 of Round 1. It is linked there- just in case you missed it. Please pray for my stamina. Please pray for no severe diarrhea. Please pray that I don't lose all my hair.  Please pray that this regimen will kill and shrink everything. Please pray the CT will not show more tumor deposits or substantial growth. This one is a biggie...please pray the insurance is not a hinderance. Please pray for favor in my case so we are not having to argue every step of the way. Please pray that I am indeed a surgical candidate. I meet with one surgeon on Friday and another on the following Monday. Please pray for peace throughout this whole process. 

I would love to warp speed through all of the hard parts and come out on the other end healthy and whole.