It is a marathon, not a sprint

I ran a full marathon once. Prior to that there had been some 5 milers on Thanksgiving, the 10 for Texas a few times, and a few half marathons. I have not always been a runner. I started running when I had 2 kids under 2. It became our afternoon thing. I would strap them into the jogger, get the dog ready, and we would go. This gave them a change of scenery and me a much needed break. Sometimes I still don't consider myself a runner. I am not fast, never have been. I am what I would like to consider "genetically heavy." I am not built like a runner. I did track and field in middle school, but by 8th grade I was on the field part of the track team. I could rock it at throwing the discus and shotput! A sprinter, I was not. I am what you would call average. I would never win the race, but I will also never come in last. The same goes with the longer runs. I am average. I have never been out to win the race, but to beat myself. Winning could be besting a time, the feeling after the run, or just an accomplished goal that I had set for myself.  My first and only full marathon was tough. That year the fall was hot! I remember setting out to do a 20+ mile run, but the temperature hit the low 90's. I think I only got 17 miles and was frustrated with my time. I knew I could do it though. The problem? I had a friend with me. That is not a bad thing, but within 2 miles of our marathon, which included waiting for a train to pass, she was hurting. It was a damp cold that day. I stayed with her doing a walk/run. Did you know that walking uses different muscles than running? That was a training fail on me. As we approached the turn off of the half marathon group, she decided that was all she could do. So, I took off...me and my stiff legs. It was hard to find my groove at that point, but I was determined. Somewhere around mile 17 (and again around 19), there was a cemetery. That was a little cruel of the race organizers. I was joking around with the group of nearby runners that the hole being dug by the gravediggers was just for me. Let me fall in, because my legs were toast. Somewhere around mile 21 the stiffness in my legs was intense. There is a long groin muscle that was angry at me. It didn't hurt when I was running, but killed while walking. There were other muscles that felt opposite of that. So, I would run, run, run, walk, walk, walk, and repeat. I would repeat Isaiah 40:31 over and over as I was doing my run, run, run, walk, walk, walk. "But those whose hope is in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." There were times when the finish line seemed like it would never come. I remember feeling a sense of relief when the Alamodome came into view...at least a close enough view. That was the finish. However, had I known that I would have to run around the whole building and up a service ramp to finish, I probably would not have been as happy. By this point a lady who had been at my pace for the last mile and I were joking about the cruelty of the hill. We were laughing, crying, and encouraging each other up the hill and around the corner. Then the finish line was in sight. We both tried to muster up whatever we had left to finish strong. It was hard. It hurt. I swore I would never do it again. Then almost signed up for another. This will be my metaphorical marathon! It is going to be hard. Hopefully, I won't make cemetery jokes. I will have to run, run, run, walk, walk, walk, and probably stop at times. There will be uphill battles, but I want to finish and finish strong. I know it will not be easy.

Today the negative thoughts have crept in. I really think it is because I am just so tired. I am wondering if my iron levels have dropped again or maybe I am just dehydrated. I imagine they will take blood on Thursday before the port placement. Either way, they will be taking blood Monday before chemo and I will have a better idea of what may be going on.  Sunday was a hard day. I love it, but hit my wall around 5:30. I had just enough left to push through. If the4 still happened at the5, I wouldn't have been able to hang. It was also emotional because I found out a family friend who had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in November is in the final stretch. My heart is also heavy about a cousin who was recently diagnosed with mouth cancer and will need major surgery very soon and another family who is also dealing with cancer. How much is too much?  Then  my thoughts have drifted to my dental appointment last week. There is a 'spot' that the hygienist was concerned about. The dentist feels like it is probably nothing, but...I guess I will need to have it checked out. By the time I got home Sunday night, my body was tired. Typically, Monday's are my recovery day. I woke up sore...like I actually participated in the Houston Marathon the day before. Monday was not my recovery day this week. Samantha had made some appointments to shop for wedding dresses. She arrived at my house bright and early.  I took a muscle relaxer and some tylenol and handed her driving duties. I am afraid that the ladies helping with the dresses had to think that I was the most unenthusiastic and unimpressed mother ever! My baby was beautiful in all of the dresses. She found a dress!!!  I love it and so does she. It was also hard to watch her have to pay for it all. My mom bought my dress and veil. I was hoping to be able to do the same for her. What can I say? Cancer sucks!

So, she found her dress! 

It was at the 2nd shop, so we didn't have to go to the 3rd. We went to lunch before going home where I went to bed. I didn't sleep, but I did try to rest and feel better. It was hard to sleep that night, because the rest of my family was going in and out all night watching the snow, we don't get snow...at least real snow. I can't believe I just said they were watching the snow! I did have an alarm set for Tuesday morning because we had a work meeting and I didn't want to have that "just rolled out of bed" look; although, I feel like I have had that look for months. I did try to enjoy the 3-4 inches of rare snow by throwing some snowballs and making a snow angel. Then I did some of my normal Tuesday work before just crashing. I napped for a while, but still feel so tired. I really hate this feeling. I want to do all of the things, but I just can't do any of them. Of course this feeling has me thinking that cancer cells are running amok in my body making me feel bad. I can't believe that I am saying this, but I am so ready to start chemo. I really want that "healing juice" flowing through my body. I want all of those cells that have been slowly killing me for who knows how long to die!

This tired feeling has really let the negative thoughts creep in. Today I have gotten stuck in 5 year survival rate hell...darn Dr. Google. I want to be a Granny J. I know Granny seems so old, but my great-grandmother was Granny J. She was a character. I want to be a Granny for all of my children and their children. I do not want to be robbed of that experience. I do not want my children robbed of having me around to do the things grandmas do. When will I feel better? Will I ever feel better? I want to be fully present for all of Samantha's wedding planning, not just a body going through the motions. I want to give some crazy amazing speech at Caleb's wedding. I have been told my speech at Josh's was amazing...one minute people were laughing, and another crying. Apparently, I have a way with words. Who knew? I did not write anything down, but spoke from the heart. Of course, when I said that at the beginning of my speech, that freaked Josh out because those type of speeches normally don't go well. I knew what I wanted to say, but thought that writing it down would have been a trainwreck. So...I have no idea what I said. There is a video somewhere that I would love to see. Back to Caleb...there is so much I can say! I could also say a lot about Samantha...mostly about her inability to cook..."HI". If you don't know that story, ask!  I have some truly funny stories. That being said, I just can't leave Hannah. If you have clicked on my blogger profile, you will see 2 or 3 other blogs pop up. One is "Jennifer's Baby Blog." Hannah is my miracle baby. I want to watch that baby continue to grow well into adulthood. My shark loving child has always wanted to go to the Bahamas and do shark things. Josh and Samantha went to the Bahamas sometime before 2010. Caleb went when he was 4 months old...he says that doesn't count. Hannah has never been. I have promised for years that we would go, but it hasn't happened yet. She took her passport photo back in April...it is still sitting in my drawer. The plan has always been to take her before she graduated high school. Well, she is done in April/May. It doesn't look like her (and mine for her) dream will be happening. 

Speaking of Hannah...so many have asked about how my kids are doing. Honestly, they are strong in front of me. I do not know what happens in their conversations with each other and their friends. I think Hannah is feeling some stress. Someone sent us dinner last week. The following night someone else brought over food. We were working on her dual credit homework at the time. I took a break to eat. She said, "doesn't everyone know that I can cook?" Yes, she can cook. That is not her job or responsibility, unless she has something she wants to cook. She is already under enough stress. I am trying to make sure that  she does not feel the stress to cook. I told her that yes, she can cook; however, it is not her responsibility to make sure that we all have food to eat every night. Her stresses don't look like mine, so it is not easy for me to reassure her. Caleb has actually been good most of the time. I do think he has some fears, but is not going to express them. Samantha is me. Samantha is doing all of the things that I would do in her position. I do not know how to reassure her when I am just as afraid as she is....even though we will never verbalize that fear. This doesn't count since it is typed and not spoken.  Josh is far away and married. I do not know how he is doing. 

Today it snowed. It snowed a lot. I could not enjoy it. It was cold and I dislike cold, moreso now than years ago. I did laugh when I saw Caleb, who is 21, jumping on the trampoline with his dog. Samantha sent me some videos from her apartment with her dogs. We woke Hannah up to build a snowman, but instead threw snowballs at her. I used to get such joy out of watching the kids enjoy the rare snow. Today all I could do is dwell on the cold and how much it hurts. When looking out the windows, the snow was so bright that it hurt my eyes. The cold hurt my body. In the past I could see the beauty and peacefulness of snow, but today all I could see is what I will be missing. Actually, it is not what I will be missing, but what my family would be missing without me here. 

So, how do I snap out of this feeling of doom? Today, I don't know. Tomorrow is a new day and His mercies are new everyday, thankfully!  I am confident that I will wake up in the morning with a fresh view. I will be determined to be a Granny J. I know, Granny sounds so old, but my great-grandma was Granny J. She was amazing, strong, funny, resilient, and raised three amazing daughters. I want to be like her! I hope to be a Granny J before I am 50! I want to give my kids, grandkids and hopefully great-grandkids a legacy they will look upon fondly. I am sad that my parents won't get to see my kids get married and have children. I do not want my kids to feel that same sadness. 

Today is my reminder that this is a marathon, not a sprint...not that I was ever good at sprinting anyway. Given the weather on Sunday, I was thankful that I was not running the half marathon. Samantha and I have a date to run it next year. I WILL be around and I WILL run! My stubborn determination will get me through. I know I will have days like today. With so much death, plus cancer in my life in the last 9 months, how can I not get down? 

If you are reading this, don't worry. I am confident that I will have a better outlook tomorrow. This is just a raw emotions type post. I feel like it would not be honest to only include 'feel good' and procedure thing type things here. The feelings of loss and sadness are very real. The fear of death is very real. The fear of not growing old is very real! There is a life that needs to be grieved...even if it is a long life. Realistically, there are things that will never be the same and do, in fact, need  to be grieved. I think it is a normal process...guess I need to bring it up with my counselor. 

Side note- I added a subscribe by email link, but I don't know if it actually works. I chose to use blogger because I already have 3 blogs here, but this particular function was disabled a few years ago. I had to try and add a subscribe and html thing here. My html coding is not what it used to be since websites have made it easy. Also, I will probably not "share" these type of posts on socials. I don't feel like the whole world needs to see my negative thoughts and fears. The shares will be of the posts like surgery and chemo...the things that people would like to keep up with. ( I know, don't end a sentence with a preposition...give me a word).