Jennifer's Cancer Journey

 Round 3 is today. I can say that I am not super thrilled to be here. While I don't feel like I am in black and white, I am not the same fresh faced colorful version of myself that walked in for round 1.  I am wearing colorful clothes and make up. My hair is freshly washed, but I just really don't want to be here and doing this. I have to remind myself that I can do hard things. I have done hard things all my life. Honestly, I don't think I know what easy would look like.  I did wake up with a song on my heart this morning. The lyrics that replayed in my head are: I know who goes before me I know who stands behind The God of angel armies  is always by my side The song is Whom Shall I Fear by Chris Tomlin Silly me decided to just bring my devotion book with me today instead of doing reading it at home. It kind of hit me in the face this morning. I am sitting here and really not happy to be here...then again, who would be? I am not looking forward to being knocked back...

 I am posting this update because many have asked about specific prayer requests. I go in for round 3 (of 12) on Monday. I have been told that the real (whatever that means) side effects kick in  after rounds 3 and 4. The neuropathy and cold sensitivity were pretty bad after this last round. It never really went away. The headaches finally quit Tuesday afternoon and it has been so nice! My resting heart rate has been pretty high. My normal before all of this was in the 50's. It has been in the upper 70's the last month. I know my body is going through a lot, but it is still enough to give me a little anxiety. I have also had a new pain pop up. It very well could be ab muscle pain...that is what I am hoping. I did a lazy ab workout a few days ago. There have also been random aches and pains throughout the last two weeks.  Aside from that, I feel pretty good today.  Prayer Requests for the coming week: Blood work ok for chemo to happen No headache No high blood pressur...

 I opened the devotion this morning and was greeted with this verse: Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. Psalm 139:23-24 I am just going to go ahead and say "ouch" for this one. This is a passage that I like to gloss over. Know my anxious thoughts... I feel like I have been doing well and just taking everything in stride, but underneath it all, I may not be. My anxious thoughts... I confess, my anxiety has been a little in overdrive. I don't think I initially identified it as anxiety, because I wasn't getting my normal symptoms. I haven't had a panic attack. I haven't been awakened in the middle of the night with a racing heart. I haven't had any of my "normal" anxiety symptoms. This morning, I was able to put my finger on it. I do have anxiety. There is anxiety about the upcoming wedding-finding the venue, all the litt...

Today has been better than yesterday, which was better than the day before. I was unsure of how my day would go, so Hannah drove herself into Houston to a friend's house. This was her first solo drive into town, and the control freak in me really wanted to jump out of bed and drop her off. I probably could have, but at some point, I have to let my 'little' fly. Hopefully, she didn't really fly. She had strict instructions to stay out of the left lane. I also told her to only drive in the right lane when she needed to exit the freeway. Then I made sure her GPS led her the way I wanted her to go.  My kids driving has always been a struggle with me...it is the control freak in me that doesn't like to not have some sense of control on the road. That being said, they have all given me a reason to be afraid...but then again, don't all children. Josh once said that he couldn't use cruise control because it made him forget he was driving. Let that one sink in for a ...

 The extreme exhaustion is real. The good news is that I am sleeping well thanks to the sleep aid. I will probably not take anymore until the next chemo week though. I do not want to become dependent and my sleep wasn't too bad on my off week last time. I know, it is still to early to know what to expect from week to week. It is hard to even get out of bed. I know, rest is important, but I refuse to just lie around in bed (did I get it right this time?). It makes me feel like a cancer patient waiting to die. Mentally, I don't want to be there. I will get up and moving soon. No shock, but we have another wedding venue to look at today. I am so over it. It is beyond frustrating. I just want this part to be done. I don't know if Sam thinks she is still going to find something amazing in her price range or what, but I think we have seen enough. Hannah has to finish her dual credit assignment today, because she will be with a friend this weekend. I know I have to drive her somew...

 Not much to report today. The fatigue has hit hard. I have to go get Hannah’s car from the shop and that is going to be tough. . No lie, we have spent about $4,000 on car repairs in the last 6 weeks. I still need to get mine into to check it out, but it will have to wait. My plan is to get the car around noon…just waiting on Hannah. Then my goal is to chill on the couch the rest of the day. I did tell her she must take me for a walk later…even if I don’t want to go.  Good news! My 2nd ctDNA test is still negative! So far surgery and chemo have done their jobs. 

 I am officially done with round 2. I got disconnected from the pump about an hour ago. The fatigue and nausea hit almost immediately. I find that odd, because the pump had been empty and turned off for over an hour. I took a med for the nausea. However, my lips started having muscle spasms and I also got a slight headache. I have added 1 more "carry with me all the time" prescription. I had to decide if I wanted to take the muscle relaxer for my lips...it really is not a good feeling, or the pain med for the headache. I chose the muscle relaxer. I also ended up with the puffy face from the steroid this time...not a fan! It makes it look as if I have gained 10 lbs all in my face. UGH! I know, I should not be worried about such a small detail in this whole process. I asked about how to combat the fatigue and nausea that I will feel over the next few days. The answer...rest and fluids. I will try. I have nothing planned tomorrow for this very reason, but it is not easy to drink...

I learned a few lessons from the 1st round two weeks ago, so I started my morning with a nice hot shower. I am beginning the week with freshly washed hair! I will not flood the kitchen this week. I am sure all of the pets will appreciate not getting a shower too, especially the poor bird. I am not wearing fun socks, which I find just a tad sad. I am trying out compression socks in hopes of lessening the neuropathy in my feet. If this method works, then I may need to find some fun compression socks. I like my fun socks! I bought some Friday, but the chemo brain has already kicked in and I can't remember what is on them. I don't even know where I put them after grocery shopping.  So far this morning I have had my bloodwork done, premeds are finished, and chemo drugs are on their way to me. I ordered my lunch and even doodled on the menu. I also met with my oncologist this morning. We discussed my migraine. My CT was clear; although, I am slightly offended with the comment from th...

 This year, as in the preceding 12 months, has been rough. I know as a person ages, they seem to attend more funerals/memorials/Celebrations of Life, but I really don't consider myself that old. The deaths my loved ones have grieved occurred in April, June, December, and January. Each has had their own level of emotion tied to them.  The one I attended today  really hit home.  The wife of a very close family friend was diagnosed with cancer about a week after me. That is not my story to tell though. It has been years since I have seen her, but have thought about the family often. When I was young and dumb and attempted to plan my wedding, she came alongside of me and helped. I did not ask, she just jumped in and did it. She had given me the idea about centerpieces. Then helped me put them together. She helped with set up the day of and even rolled out the red carpet (a roll of dark pink plastic) for the to walk down the aisle. I also remember her popping into my baby...

 Today had been a good day up until this point. I have learned not to make plans, because I don't know how I am going to feel at various points throughout the day.  Well, I did a thing. My plan...and I will use that word loosely, was to run to the stop sign. I thought better of that, because you really shouldn't go from a complete stop to just up and run. So, I walked to the park. I stretched out my stiff legs. I even did extra stretching because I may or may not have created some injuries last year trying to will my body to run. I took a drink of my water that is mixed with liquid IV...gotta stay hydrated. Then I set out. I had no idea how my run...which was really just a slow jog was going to go. I put one foot in front of the other and waited for 'it'. What is 'it'? 'It' is everything that I would feel while running over the course of the last year. The 'it' never came. I could breathe. I was not lightheaded. My legs weren't screaming in p...

 I guess it is a good thing that I don't have a fear of blood or needles! Today I went in for a blood draw. This is the same test I received results from yesterday. This test is done every 4 weeks.  Now that I have a negative test, we would like the following tests to be negative. I explained yesterday that this test looks for circulating tumor DNA in my plasma. It is specific to me and my tumor. Not only does this test point to possible recurrence, but the efficacy of the treatment. Negative means the chemo is working. I am learning that with each scan, blood draw, test, etc. I have anxiety surrounding the results. It is my understanding that this is a completely normal feeling when going through cancer. I know I have zero control over the results or what may or may not be going on in my body, but that doesn't lessen the anxiety.  Over the last few years God has been showing me that I am not in control and I need to surrender it all to Him. This is really not an easy thi...

 Today was a good day with a few minor hiccups. My day started off with my follow up appointment with my surgeon. It has been 6 weeks since the whirlwind of a surgery day.  That appointment went well and I don't have to go back for another 6 months. My surgeon cleared me for normal activities and normal diet. Granted...I am still figuring out what my body can tolerate and must still avoid certain foods that could make me sick while on chemo. This means I can run, lift weights, and do core workouts!!! This makes me happy. However, I do realize that I will not be able to jump into an active lifestyle like nothing has changed. Chemo and my reaction to it will determine what I am physically able to do, and it will change day by day...even hour by hour.  My other news...PHEW! This one will need a little explanation. Science is cool...not so much when it is personal, but still cool. About 3 weeks after surgery, I went in and had some more testing done. This test does a full DNA...

 My plan for Monday was to go to lunch with Marc and Hannah. Later that afternoon I planned to go for a walk and dig my weights out of the garage. I want to start getting in some weight training while I am feeling well. Don't worry, I had no intention of jumping back into 20-25 lb weights. I was planning to start small at 8 lbs...despite some family members telling me I was aiming too high and should go with 5 lbs. Muscles have a memory...just in case you didn't know. I think I can handle 8's.  Well, my plans went awry real fast!  <insert migraine>  I will start by giving a very brief history of my migraines. I get them. They are bad and have sent me to the ER in the past. My migraines tend to come with stroke symptoms, slurred speech, one sided numbness, and inability to think. I can even get them with all the symptoms, except the headache. I know my triggers and can identify the headaches as they come, which allows me to try and treat before they get to this ...

Well, how are you feeling?  I hope you are well.  I am doing better mentally and physically than Thursday! Phew...what a relief! Thursday was rough! I got some sleep! Of course, I am still tired. Will there ever be enough sleep? Probably not! I ate some things! I am still nauseous though. The nausea is a different kind of nausea. It is not the sour stomach, just let me throw up and be done with it nausea. It is like a pit. The pit is deep in my stomach and occasionally into my throat. . Sometimes it churns and other times it is just there. Do the nausea meds help? I have no idea, because the nausea is just there. Not a fan! The neuropathy really really bugs me. My mouth is still numb. My hands and feet are still weird. Is this what my mom felt with her MS? At one point today my hands were shaking uncontrollably. That was new. Is is a normal thing? The cold sensitivity had waned a little, so I was not as careful when touching things. Well, I got a shock in the fridge this morni...