I don't even know what to call this one...

 The extreme exhaustion is real. The good news is that I am sleeping well thanks to the sleep aid. I will probably not take anymore until the next chemo week though. I do not want to become dependent and my sleep wasn't too bad on my off week last time. I know, it is still to early to know what to expect from week to week. It is hard to even get out of bed. I know, rest is important, but I refuse to just lie around in bed (did I get it right this time?). It makes me feel like a cancer patient waiting to die. Mentally, I don't want to be there. I will get up and moving soon. No shock, but we have another wedding venue to look at today. I am so over it. It is beyond frustrating. I just want this part to be done. I don't know if Sam thinks she is still going to find something amazing in her price range or what, but I think we have seen enough. Hannah has to finish her dual credit assignment today, because she will be with a friend this weekend. I know I have to drive her somewhere in the morning, but not sure where. That means I have to actually get up and dressed at a decent time. I prefer to rest up on Saturday for Sunday. 

The cold hurts. It hurts my whole body. I had to put my computer under my electric blanket just so I could touch it without pain. Yesterday, I even had the pins and needles feeling in my legs by the end of our walk. It was horrible. I want summer! 

What I realized yesterday is that I really miss my parents. I miss the loving care and support that my mom would have given me. I miss the way my dad (and Janie) would have jumped in and helped with rides and what not when needed. At the same time, I am glad they aren't here. That really hurts to say, but I am glad they don't have to see me like this. I can picture my mom sitting there in the infusion room with me, just staring. It would have driven me crazy! Her inner thoughts would be in overdrive, because she wouldn't know what to say...or how I would react. She would be worried and stressed. She would have been at the house cleaning, cooking, and doing laundry. She loved serving others. I know that if she was here, I would never be without anything I wanted or needed. 

I hate that my kids have to see me like this. I have always been the strong person, but days like this last week, I am so weak and tired. Make up does wonders to hide a lot, but it does have its limitations. 

I just realized that it is Friday...they day I change and wash my sheets. Maybe tomorrow... I don't have it in me today. 

This is one of those days when I really want to know why...

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