Search Me

 I opened the devotion this morning and was greeted with this verse:

Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Psalm 139:23-24

I am just going to go ahead and say "ouch" for this one. This is a passage that I like to gloss over. Know my anxious thoughts... I feel like I have been doing well and just taking everything in stride, but underneath it all, I may not be. My anxious thoughts... I confess, my anxiety has been a little in overdrive. I don't think I initially identified it as anxiety, because I wasn't getting my normal symptoms. I haven't had a panic attack. I haven't been awakened in the middle of the night with a racing heart. I haven't had any of my "normal" anxiety symptoms. This morning, I was able to put my finger on it. I do have anxiety. There is anxiety about the upcoming wedding-finding the venue, all the little details, and finances. There is anxiety around the whole cancer thing. There is anxiety about how this is affecting my family. There is anxiety about my longevity. There is anxiety about chemo and its side effects. Even today, I am still having quite a bit of neuropathy. It has lingered longer than the first time. It is not easy to type and I am a little unsteady on my feet. The anxiety that seems to be biggest right now is the headache. I have had the lingering headache for over a week. This of course puts my already hurting brain into overdrive. My head CT was clear, but what if??? Do I have metastasis to my brain? Probably not, but what if??? I spent quite a bit of time praying yesterday for relief for this headache. I am anxious, which can trigger a headache. So, what it feels like is the beginning of a migraine. It is in my typical migraine spot. All of my tricks to stop it haven't worked, or maybe they have since it hasn't progressed. Well, what I realized is that the headache and all of my anxiety is making me tense. This means, not only is the typical spot hurting, but I am also feeling tension/pain in the back of my head and it spreads around to the side. So, in addition to the migraine that hasn't hit a peak, I have what I want to call a tension headache. Of course, this is all speculation, but I have to keep reminding myself to relax my shoulders, so it is highly likely.  I am anxious! 

Back to the devotion...It goes on to say, "A lot of people have an implicit leave-me-alone or please-don't-hurt-me attitude in their relationship with God, a desire to sweep the painful stuff under the rug."

I can say a big ole' yes to that part! I can for sure say that I have had those thoughts. Sometimes fixing yourself hurts. I want to go on and be all happy-go-lucky! All of the little things that have come up have morphed into one big ball of anxiety. I am good about sweeping things under the rug and just letting them sit for years...or decades. Well, this morning, God moved the rug that I was sitting on. This whole thing just really stinks and I want my life back! I hate cancer. I hate chemo. I hate the side effects. I hate the stress. I hate this stupid headache. It all kind of makes me mad! Not mad at God, just mad! I want to have some sort of control over this whole mess of a situation and I don't. It is hard to not have that control. It is hard to not know what is coming next. It is hard to know that the decisions that I have to make regarding my care and treatments could very well be the difference between life and death. But at the same time, what is the cost? Relax your shoulders, Jen. 

I would say that there are things that God has pointed out to me today. Things that were there and festering and I was not aware. Again, relax the shoulders and breathe. 

Today, when these anxious thoughts kick in, I will relax my shoulder and breathe. I will think of the verse that gives me comfort. Hint: it is not the one above! 

He who dwells in the shelter of the most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

Psalm 91:1