Jennifer's Cancer Journey

 I had to go back and skim my last post to remember what it was about. And well...a whole lot of life has happened since June7...almost 2 whole weeks.  I work really hard to not look how I feel. Sunday, June 8, I think I failed. I parked off site and almost couldn't walk up the steps to get on the shuttle bus. I almost texted to see if it was ok for me to park on site, but I refuse to let cancer and treatment win. Some think it is pride, I think it is determination. I was having so many problems walking and I had ZERO energy.  I was able to turn it up some before I had to greet children. In my head...after other wonderful caring leaders passed me, I was smiling and somewhat energetic. I do not know the reality of what I looked like. Wait! Maybe I do! My boss saw my daughter standing near me and thought our colors complemented each other, so he took a picture. Let me go find it... I guess if you don't know me, then you might not be able to see how I feel. What I see if a p...

 Just when I think I have it all figured out, I realize that I don't!  I titled this post, "I've got nothing." If you have been around me, then you know that I will say those words a bit. Sometimes, it is because I have a lot to say, but am choosing not to. Other times it is because I really have no clue and I am stumped. It is usually the former... I have realized that I am getting more anxious as the time has passed. In the beginning we had a plan. I knew the plan and I was ready to take it on. Now, as I am nearing the end of treatment, my thoughts have tended to be drawn to the what's next and what if's of it all. It seems like I have sort of been on autopilot...at least as autopilot as this journey goes, for the last few months. I am a planner. Planning makes me feel as if I have some kind of control over this crazy thing called life. However, planning things is kind of a joke right now. I really just have to take each day as it comes...sometimes each hour...

 This extra week off of chemo is always a relief, but there were plenty of issues that popped up. There were days that the feeling in my feet made it hard to walk. I had to concentrate on picking my feet up so I wouldn't trip. There were days when I was crazy tired and days were I had energy. I almost said I was full of energy, but it should read something like, full of energy for my current circumstance.  All week, I have had a sense of dread. It is like I knew what was coming. I am just really tired of doctors, hospitals, blood draws...all those things. Tuesday morning, I went to the lab for a blood draw. Friday, I was at the infusion center for another blood draw. This one was my pre-chemo bloodwork. I can't say that I am surprised, but my counts were way off again. I ended up getting a shot to boost production. It worked last time, so hopefully, it works again. I really don't want anymore delays. I am ready to be done with all of this. The shot has caused a little bit o...

 My last update was a little bit of a downer. Fear not, I have not stayed in that mindset...for the most part. This last round of chemo was odd. I really didn't have much cold sensitivity. It was there, but manageable. I could actually wash my hands without pain. One effect that has been bothersome has been the neuropathy in my feet. My right leg feels kind of like dead weight from the knee down and the last two days, my left foot has felt the same. I woke up Friday with that feeling in both of my arms too. Thankfully, that didn't last too long. I plan to bring this up at my appointment on Friday.  One of my frustrations through this whole ordeal has been my inability to work out the way I would like. However, I pulled out my handy phone and looked at my actual activity.  So, what you see here is my logged "workouts." That top line looks a little blah, unless you know the context. April 27 was an all day work day at the end of a chemo week. I didn't get a break to...

The highs and lows of this journey are real. There is nausea, fatigue, sadness, and sometimes a little bit of hope. I feel like the days after disconnect when I feel the worst physically are the hardest emotionally.  Currently, I am sprawled out in my bed...not even upright, because that is hard. Friday is the day I change my sheets, but it is also time to wash the comforter. Well, the comforter is in the wash, but that is all. I have already grocery shopped and really have nothing left in the tank to put the new sheets on...at least for now. The energy may appear later.  The nausea is just annoying. It is like my body wants to get it out, but it won't. So, I just left with this yucky feeling that doesn't really let up with meds...at least for a few days. At the same time, my GI insides aren't really sure what they are supposed to be doing. My body gets pumped full of so many meds over the course of a few days, that it is confused. I know I have mentioned it before, but her...

 Round 7 was a go! I am glad, because I am ready to get all of this over with. I do like the 3 week time table so much better than the every 2 weeks. Guess that is good, because my next treatment is on a 3 weeks time table due to Memorial Day and the infusion center being closed. It is really nice to get a full week of feeling alive again!  Well, I wanted to keep that alive feeling going! I got home from the infusion early afternoon. I think I ate lunch/dinner or a snack. I really don't remember...chemo brain is a real thing and so much worse than pregnant brain! Anyway, after my snack or dinner, I put on shorts. I was still wearing my long compression socks and set of for a walk...pump and all.  So, what is in the box...black bag that I wear around for 3 days? This is the pump. I wear the bag backwards so you can't see all of the buttons. The 5FU is in the container at the bottom. It gets infused at a slow rate over 46 hours. It starts to beep when it gets low. The beeps...

 Round 7 of chemo was supposed to happen Monday. It didn't. My white blood cell count was too low. I can't say that I was surprised, but was hoping that wouldn't be the case. Caleb was sick. Morganne was sick. Sam got sick. Hannah didn't get sick. I didn't get sick either. Then after a long travel day, I had a long work day. I just was really tired. I slept almost 12 hours one night and it still didn't feel like it was enough. That was likely my body doing its job to fight off whatever they all had. Does that mean my already weakened immune system is beast mode?  The delay was kind of a blessing. I had to get a new (to me) car. I don't know what we are going to do with my old car. It is still at the shop, but we will need to tow it home. We still owe on the car, yet can't afford to replace the engine. I would like it back here because I have a lot of things in the car that I need. Then I need to figure out what to do with it. I am sure the bank will be c...

 I am sitting at the Ontario airport waiting to board my flight back to Texas...with a quick plane change in Las Vegas. The trip has been nice, hard, and relaxing all at the same time. Unfortunately, Marc has had some stresses at home. His car broke down and had to be towed Monday. $1,400 later it is working. Yesterday, my car died. It died forever. He spent $200 to tow it only to find out the engine seized up. So, I now need a new car. I am not sure how we are going to make it happen with zero financial options. Enough of that though. I will worry about that and my upcoming doctor appointments and chemo once I step foot back in Texas.  If you have followed along on facebook, then you have seen a small fraction of the photos that I took. Hannah and I arrived Monday morning. We mostly chilled at Josh's house the whole afternoon, since he was working. Tuesday afternoon we set off on a hike. This one was tough. I already knew my body was still fatigued from the previous week's ch...

 I am in the chair and being infused as we speak. I am exhausted...it was a long night and I only got 2 hours of sleep. . My arm and shoulder pain kept getting worse, so I went to the ER to check for a blood clot and PE. Both of those came back clear for that issue. However, there were a few other things that popped up. They didn't mention them, but I saw it on the report. Of course it has my head spinning. I am just going to copy word for word what the report said in these 2 different sections.  Lungs: Minimal bilateral posterior dependent lower lobe subsegmental atelectasis. Incidental note of a punctate 2mm peripheral right lateral upper lobe pulmonary nodule, reference image 50 of the axial lung window series#304.No focal airspace consolidations are identified. No significant pulmonary edema is identified. No pleural effusions or pneumothoraxis identified. The tracheal airway is clear without significant intraluminal debris. Mediastinum: Heart size is within normal limits...

 Round 5 was tough. The nausea and stomach issues are still hanging around. I can have a good day followed by a bad day, but in reality, I wake up feeling yuck. Then I have a few hours of feeling ok before I start feeling yuck again at night. My Aunt's graveside service was Wednesday (followed by a softball game) and I think I tried too hard to feel and look put together, because yesterday was horrible.  My prayer requests for round 6 are more of the same, plus some. Please pray for less nausea. Although, I would almost prefer it over the horrible cold sensitivity and neuropathy. Then again, I am not a fan of "nausea" that goes out the other way. I have had lots of random pains in my abdomen. It is mostly at the top and some on the right side (surgery side). It has been one of those nagging things for months, but at what point does is become not normal (because it is normal) or am I left with random pains for the rest of my life? At the disconnect from the last round, the...

 There is a saying that the only 2 things in life that are certain are death and taxes. Tomorrow is tax day and I haven't even thought about taxes until today...yet I haven't actually done anything other than think. Death...this one is tough. In less than I year I have had FIVE family members die, plus one family friend. At times, it feels like my family is being taken out little by little. Five deaths. Two cancers. Many other health issues. A year ago today, if you would have told me I would have attended 6 funerals, plus visitations, before 12 months was up, I would have said that there was no way! How much can one family take?  Each of these deaths has hit me differently.  With each death, it feels like part of my childhood...my memories... gone with them. This last one though has got to be the hardest. I don't know why...it was probably time. She lost her memories...or they were trapped, many years ago. That doesn't make it easier. My Aunt Betty was a big part of my...

 I am officially disconnected from the pump and through with round 5. Side effect wise, it could have been worse. The biggest nag this time was nausea and a little bit of vomiting on Monday night. Still have nausea today, but I guess it is manageable. I need to hydrate and drink more water, but it just doesn't taste good and feels funky in my mouth and kind of hurts in my throat.  There isn't a nice fraction to go with this round... 5/12...doesn't sound nice and whole. I am ready to rebound before round 6, but I sure would like to just curl up and sleep (or attempt to sleep) for a while. For now, I am getting ready for GLOW night. I may go walk a mile at some point this afternoon. My goal is to try and get a mile a day. 

 I am not the same happy-go-lucky person that I was yesterday. The infusion wasn't too bad, just a little nausea throughout. I am home with the pump and made Hannah take me for a walk. I had to tell her to slow down. I have a little bit of a headache, but the nausea is horrible. I have taken meds for the headache and for the nausea. I am struggling to eat my chicken and rice. Drinking water is hard, so I dumped in a pack of liquid iv.  Yesterday, I was rocking it in the gym. Today, I want to curl up and die. Ok...maybe die is not the best choice of words in this situation, but I absolutely HATE being nauseous. I am 100% not a fan! I am wondering if sleep will make it go away, but then again, I was pumped full of steroids this morning. I may have to try and find a barf bag.  Have I mentioned before about my relationship with roller coasters? As a child and teen, I loved them. The thrill was amazing. I like the adrenaline rush. I would still ride them after children, but my...

 I am getting ready to say goodbye to the extra energy that I have had. I am thankful that I have had a chance to enjoy life some these last 2 few weeks. Tomorrow is attempt number 2 of round five of the healing juice. To say that I am dreading tomorrow would be an understatement. I want to feel good and in my head it seems a little counterproductive to make myself feel so bad for so long. I know this gives me the best shot at the long run...the long run being a long cancer free life.  I have tried to cram in all of the fitness things that time  and energy would allow. I am not sure what is going on with this influx of fat and I don't like it. I seem to be gaining 2 lbs a week despite eating a healthy low calorie (not restricting) diet and increased activity. All I know is that the scale better stop going up! It is not good for me mentally to feel and see all of the extra weight on my body. Sounds like a stupid prayer request, but please pray that it will level out. ...

While I know that the break in chemo is not ideal, I am thoroughly enjoying the break. I still have numbness in my mouth, foot, and fingers, but other than that, I am feeling good. Maybe they schedule chemo every two weeks, so you never get a chance to feel almost normal. It makes me dread Monday even more.   I had my monthly Signatera blood draw Friday. It always creates some anxiety, because it looks for circulating tumor DNA. I usually do it on my off chemo week, since it has to be done a certain number of days after treatment. This time, it was done on my extra off week. I am praying it is still negative. I have used the last week and a half to do some things I have missed. I have run, lifted weights, rode the bike, walked the dog, ran the ran, and used the rowing machine. I probably over did it just a tad, I am a little sore. It has been nice to be able to do these things. I am trying to cram it all in before Monday. At the same time, I am not happy with  the weight ...

 I made it to my appointment this morning. At check in the lady commented about how I looked tired. I replied with I just don't want to be here. She called it a love/hate relationship. The folks here are great, but the reason for being here is not.  So, I am here with clean hair and a fresh face. I have already had several pee stops. I forgot to put the numbing cream on my port this morning, so had to use the freezing spray. I will not forget again! They have taken my blood and now I wait.  On the last update I forgot to include my genetic consult. I won't go into details, but it is recommended due to my age. They said that some people don't want to know. There were 3 options: not test, the basic test, or the full test for as much as possible. Since it will not affect future insurance options...colon cancer does that for me, I opted for the full on test. That way if something comes back, my kids can follow up and stay on top of things. They will have 90 days to get the te...

 Round 5 starts tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it...actually, I dread it. I did not bounce back from round 4 the way I had been. The exhaustion has never left. I have tripped over my feet a few times due to the neuropathy. My stomach has not been well at all. The cold sensitivity never left. This made it hard during my rodeo shifts. I usually have a water in my hand and one in my back pocket. I could not hold one in my hand. Even having the bottle in my pocket bothered me. This means that I ended up pretty dehydrated during my rodeo shifts. It was also hard to drink the water since it was cold. I also had some wicked looking muscle twitches in my calves. It literally looked like there was some sort of alien being in my legs. I have lost quite a bit of hair  this round. Then, there was a new side effect...bloody nose. I have had several and they don't really stop easily. Please pray for these effects to lesson this next round. I know that it is not likely. The effects in...

 I kind of feel like it has taken longer to bounce back after this round of chemo. The nausea and fatigue are still pretty bad today. It doesn't help that I seem to be fighting allergies, which apparently isn't easy when the body is already taxed. I got to rest on Wednesday after disconnect thanks to spring break. Thursday was spent trying to rest. Friday, yesterday, I took Hannah to her softball game in Texas City. The plan was to stay and watch varsity after her game, but I only made it to about the 3rd inning. I had already tried eating a trail mix and had taken two different anti nausea meds. It was obvious that I was not going to feel better. I tried calling Hannah, but she didn't answer. Later, she reminded me that I told (drilled into) her to never have her phone out in the dugout...the one time a kid actually listens to what I say... One of the moms went and got her for me. Then we headed to the car slowly for the very long drive home. Hannah didn't notice that ...

 I am officially disconnected from the pump. 4 rounds down 8 to go! I managed to work my rodeo shift last night. It was not too tough until about The last hour.  Prayer request: This morning my right arm is a little red and warm. Please pray for it to resolve. I can’t ice it due to the oxaliplatin. Right now it is a watch and see. If it gets worse, painful, or swollen, then I need to get it checked for a blood clot. The nurse mentioned it could also be cellulitis. I’m praying it’s nothing and will resolve by the end of the day. Please pray this with me. 

 I am a little late getting started on this today. I feel like it has been a little of a whirlwind. Still don't want to be here, but here I am. I arrived at the infusion center a little earlier than normal. There was an accident nearby that had the freeway closed and I was unsure if it would affect my route. I forgot it was spring break, so the traffic was mostly light until I neared the freeway. I u-turn before getting that far, so I was not impacted by the backup on the freeway.  My monthly appointment with the oncologist was this morning. It went well. We discussed by issues with the pain and neuropathy in my hands and feet. So far, it is manageable and for the most part doesn't linger the whole 2 weeks. Once we get to that point, we will back off some. We did start the Oxipilatan at the slower rate again, since I tolerated it well last time. My blood tests results showed up in MyChart as part of the after visit summary. All things related to anemia are still low, but slowl...

 If you have read any of the past updates, then you will know how much I was looking forward to seeing Reba at the Rodeo. Good news! I made it and it was awesome! For real though...it was tough. Samantha and I  arrived around 3:00 and met up with Marc, Hannah, and Anthony. We set off at a fast and furious pace...probably my first mistake! My plan was to try and cram all of my Rodeo into one day. We made it through the parking lot and into the carnival entrance. About the time that I made it to the street between the Astrodome and NRG, it hit me. I wanted to take it all in. I was really there. It was a struggle not to cry, because I really wanted to. I slowed my pace a little. We headed to the Center to see all of the things and eat all of the samples. We had to tell Marc he was not allowed to wander off, because we had a system. There was a certain way that we walk through the center and any deviations result in missed things and mass confusion. Have I mentioned that I like co...